


Finding The Way Home

by dsa_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1, due South
Genre: Crossover, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-04-20
Updated: 2002-04-20
Packaged: 2018-11-10 20:36:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11134266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: This story is a crossover with Stargate SG1, though the emphasis is clearly Due South.





	Finding The Way Home

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

  
Finding The Way Home

## Finding The Way Home

by Elizabeth Mc

Disclaimer: I don't own either show or the characters. Those who do own them know who they are. Errors, however, I claim as my own.

Author's Notes: Undying gratitude to Carole who did a wonderful job as beta. She is the grammar and spelling champ and has an unflinching eye towards plot progression. Her insight into both television shows was invaluable.

Story Notes: BadBen! here.

* * *

He's been missing for days. Six days. I've been going out of my mind looking everywhere I can think of and some places I can't even explain why I thought that he'd be there. I just keep looking, hunting like some obsessed wild thing, something starving and desperate. I don't know if I've been breathing the whole time. I know I barely eat, just when somebody makes me, don't sleep except when I give out and my eyes just close. 

Everyone's been real worried about me but that just pisses me off. I'm not missing. I'm right here. Dying, maybe, every hour with every minute just ticking like doomsday but I'm here. I'm right here. Fraser isn't and I can't stand it. It's like somebody stole my right arm or my eyes or my heart. I'm not alive, not whole, just crazy with scared. 

I'm sitting at my desk. I know I practically fell over before and Frannie's got that worried face on and Huey is watching me like I'm an exhibit. Six days and I'm falling over already. It's too soon. I can't collapse, not when he's out there and he's waiting for me and I know he knows I'll find him. I know he knows I won't let anything stop me. Not even this weak ass body that keeps slowing me down. 

I look across the room when some girl walks by in a red sweater. I just catch a glimpse but it's enough to stop my heart. I remember looking around the first day Fraser and I met and I caught that same flash of red. I started talking and I didn't stop for like a week. "What do you see, over and over," I asked him. "Duets. Okay? Lennon and McCartney, Leopold and Loeb, The Three Stooges..." 

I'm so into the memory that I don't really notice when Huey and Frannie back away from me. Don't realize that Welsh is crowding in close until he's practically in my chair with me. I've never seen him look so...gentle before. It's like a grizzly bear nudging at a cub. Huge paws with nails that'll disembowel a guy with one swipe, patting at a baby with soft pads instead of claws. I don't know where all that comes from but Welsh is looking at me like he's gonna nudge me with the soft side of his paw and all at once, I really can't breathe. 

"He's alive, Ray." 

My heart is hammering and my breathing is back but it's loud and painful like I'm having an asthma attack except I don't have asthma or anything else. 

"He's at County. I don't know how bad it is." 

"Hospital?" I say stupidly, like what else would he mean? 

"Yes, County Hospital. Let's go." 

Welsh puts his hand under my arm and he's pulling me to my feet. See, I'm not usually like this but the room won't stay still and I can't really see because there are shadows at the fringe around my eyes and I can't hear because it sounds like there's a waterfall in my head. So he's lifting and guiding and I'm acting like a zombie and getting dragged along with him. 

The cold hits me as soon as we get outside. It's like getting belted with ice but it wakes me up. Now I'm getting it. They found him. He's alive and he's in a hospital. All of a sudden my throat hurts so bad from the rock lodged there that I start thinking I'm gonna hyperventilate. I don't want to. Not now, not before I know anything and not in front of Welsh. I really don't want to. 

We're in Welsh's car for a while. We don't talk because there's nothing to say. He's not as scared as me but he is scared. Welsh likes Fraser, thinks he's a good cop and a good guy. I don't know if he knows that I love Fraser but I don't think it'd matter to him one way or the other. 

We get to the hospital pretty fast and whatever's left in me is working now. I'm all over the front desk and getting information before Welsh even gets in the door. The nurse is used to panic because she just punches stuff into her computer without blinking even though I'm practically crawling over the desk to get her to tell me. I hear a beep before she looks up at me. She could rival Fraser's Mountie mask with the look on her face. It tells me nothing. She just tells me to go to the fourth floor reception desk and someone there will direct me. She points down the hall to the elevators. 

Welsh showed up some time. I don't remember him coming up to stand next to me but he heard the directions. We both practically run to the elevator. 

There are so many nightmares playing in my head that I can't think of anything else. He's dead, he's brain-damaged, he's broken beyond repair. I keep seeing him all beat up and mangled in my head. It's making me shake again. 

Welsh follows the signs to the reception desk. A nurse is there too, of course. She was expecting us, she says, the front desk called ahead. 

"Constable Fraser will be out in a moment," she says. 

And all I can do is stare at her. If he'll be out in a minute then he can't be hurt. I mean, he's hurt because we're at the hospital but it can't be bad. I feel dizzy as the relief rolls through me. He's okay. He's really okay. Welsh is asking the nurse questions but I can't hear him. 

All I can see is Fraser the day before he disappeared and he was perfect the way he always is. Not in uniform because he was off-duty. Dressed in blue jeans with his cotton jersey covered by a blue t-shirt, everything pressed and tucked in. I remember kissing him, telling him to get something good at the store and listening to him laugh when I insist that he have dinner ready when I came home from work. 

Welsh is touching my arm, getting my attention. When I look up, Fraser is there. He's standing just outside a door that must lead to the examination rooms. He looks pale and sort of lost but I can't stop myself. I'm across the room and holding him before I realize I've even moved. 

He's holding me back, his hands tight around me, squeezing me as hard as I'm squeezing him. I'm saying his name like it's the only word I know while his voice floats over me in soothing tones and words I can't quite hear. 

I don't know how long we stay like that. I don't care about anything but the feel of him against me, the smell of him, the sound of his breathing in my ears. He's here. He's okay. 

I'm shaking so hard that I'm not even sure I can stay standing when he gently pushes me away to greet Welsh. The lieutenant starts in with questions right away. He said something about being glad Fraser was back but that was it for making nice. He starts grilling Fraser and Fraser does something I can't begin to understand. He refuses to answer. 

"Thank you for your concern, Lieutenant, but no crime was committed and I must elect not to discuss the last week." 

Perfectly polite and it sounds like Fraser's voice but I just can't believe it's really him talking. I step back a little to look him in the face. He's still pale but there's something else, a distance in his face I didn't see before. He's hiding behind his manners and his posture. 

Welsh starts to argue. After all, we've all been looking for him for the last week. We have a right to know where's he's been, why he hasn't talked to anyone. But Fraser just refuses to talk about it again. He's still polite but he's dismissing the lieutenant and his questions like he has every right to do that which he does but that doesn't make it the right thing to do. 

Welsh is really pissed when he leaves. I don't blame him. I wonder if he's too mad to realize that I just came out in the middle of the hospital, to him and about twenty strangers. I let that go. There're more important things to talk about. 

Before I have a chance to ask anything though, Fraser has me in his arms again. It's almost painful being hugged this hard. It's like he thinks I'll disappear or something. I remind myself that I'm not the one who's been gone for six days. But I also remind myself that we're in a hospital. He might be upright and holding me but there has to be a reason we're here. 

"Are you hurt? You okay?" I ask. 

"I'm fine, Ray. I'd like to go home now. Can we do that?" 

"That's it? Fraser, you've been gone a week, don't you think you should tell me what's going on?" 

"I can't tell you, Ray. I thought I was clear about that." 

Okay, I admit, I'm not patient. I want to know what's going on and I want to know now. We're in a hospital and he hasn't told me why, he's been gone without a word for days and he's telling me he can't explain. 

But he's also looking at me, right into my eyes; boring into me with all the pleading of a hungry puppy so what can I do but give in. I get hugged with the same desperate strength that isn't exactly comfortable but I'm just so glad he's here that any contact is good. 

"Just tell me what's wrong with you. Why are you here?" 

"This is where I was left." He answers simply like that tells me anything. 

Okay, I can play. 

"Who left you?" 

"A friend." 

"What friend?" He just looks at me. 

"How long ago?" I press. 

"I don't know. I was waiting to be examined for quite some time." 

"Well, what did the doctor say?" 

Fraser looks like he's thinking about that question. "Very little" he finally answers. "He seemed a bit confused as to why I was there." 

"And why were you there?" 

He just looks at me again, kind of blank and kind of curious too. 

"Fraser, what do you know?" I ask him, getting irritated now. 

"That I'm tired and I've missed you and I want to go home." 

I sigh. This conversation is going nowhere. My Mountie is all earnest and innocent and stubborn. It's frustrating but even I can see we're not accomplishing anything here. He looks all right. Just tired, like he said, so I give in again. 

When we get outside there's a man leaning against the side of the building near the entrance. I only notice him because he straightens up when he sees us. He has gray hair and a solid build. He's dressed in faded jeans with a button down shirt and a leather jacket. Fraser stops when he sees him. 

He stares at him for a few seconds, long enough so that I notice. The other guy stares back then walks away with his hands in his pockets. 

"Who was that?" I ask. 

"Jack," Fraser answers. "I've been speaking with him in the waiting room." 

"Did he see who dropped you off?" 

"Probably not. Let's go home, Ray." 

He holds my hand while we walk to the car, letting go just long enough for us to get inside. Then he has me again in a possessive grip that feels desperate. He doesn't let go until we get home which makes driving my stick shift a real challenge. And he doesn't say a word except to answer me when I ask him a question. 

We walk upstairs and he doesn't remember that we're supposed to be subtle about our relationship. He couldn't be closer if he was adhesive. But while I admit I'm surprised, I'm not bothered. This guy has been gone for days and I've been insane. I want to be as close as I can get. I don't ever want him out of my sight again. 

I have to coax my hand loose from him to put the key in the door. He's looking at me with a hunger that's almost scary except this is Fraser. I decide I'm just wound up after the last few days. And since I can't decide how to act or feel right now, I'm just going to take this moment-by-moment. 

As soon as we're in, Diefenbaker bounds towards us. Fraser smiles at him and crouches whispering "Ah, yes" to himself. But Dief doesn't jump him and I figure he's just doing his unaffected imitation, but then he growls. It's not loud or even menacing exactly, but I step back anyway. Fraser cocks his head like he's confused then reaches a hand out, palm down. Dief approaches slowly, with his ears laid back and sniffs at the fingers. He sneezes twice and looks at me. 

"He's home," I say. The wolf shakes his head as if he has water in his ears and goes back to the living room to lie down. 

"That was weird," I say. 

"We have more important concerns," Fraser says before he shoves me back against the door. 

In the time it takes for me to breathe, he's got my wrists pinned at my sides against the door and his mouth is over mine. The pressure is brutal as his tongue snakes into my mouth to assault me. There's no room for my tongue anymore since his is flailing around tasting and probing everything as quickly as it can. I'm surprised he hasn't sucked in my tonsils when he finally breaks off so we can both take a breath. 

I start to tell him to slow down when he takes my hand and presses it tight against his erection. He spends a moment pushing it up and down over the fabric of his jeans until I guess he decides I have the rhythm memorized and then he takes my mouth again in a bruising grip. 

I'm getting into it too as I use my one free hand to find his zipper and tug it down. He's using his free hand to capture my ass and tease the crack with his fingertips. I never really liked this kind of desperate sex when the only goal is getting off as quickly as possible. I don't need dinner and a movie but most of the time I like to build up, make it last. 

Fraser is the same way. We're both just used to a little mutual worshipping before the real deal. It doesn't look like I'm going to be getting that this time though because my jeans are already pooling at my ankles and my briefs are quick to join them. 

This is Fraser so I'm not fighting him. He wants fast and hard, I can give it to him. This is different but it's not bad and my dick is apparently happy no matter what we do. So when he turns me around so I'm plastered full body against the door, I'm still with him. He's got my cock in one hand while his other hand is still teasing my ass. He darts a finger inside me and plays for a bit before he draws out. I always did like that so I give him a moan to let him know, I'm still in the game. He goes back in again with two fingers now, deep and hard and scraping. It's not quite right and there's a little pain. Nothing bad just new. He draws out again, and then plunges back in without hesitation and now it's three fingers. I'm not really stretched enough and there's more pain than the usual discomfort that I expect. It's enough for me to tell him to slow down but not enough to make my body stop from pushing back against him. Pavlov's dog, that's me. 

He's in a hurry and a moment later, the fingers are gone. I don't remember when but at some point, he let go of my cock and I just automatically took the job. Hey, somebody had to keep it happy. Fraser bats my hand out of the way now and goes after me with a vengeance. I feel everything tighten up and then it all lets loose over his hand, the door and my legs. I'm weak and breathless but he just keeps one arm wrapped around my waist. The next thing I feel is his cock at my opening. It's hot and hard and wet. He's leaking and he used my contribution for lube so he glides in. Not real smooth, not like we're used to but he drives home with just a little complaint from me that I try to keep quiet about. 

Like the kissing earlier, he just takes over my body. He's drilling into me with all the strength and need of a rutting buffalo. It's a struggle not to knock myself out against the door while he pounds at me. I know when he's going to come. He grows hotter inside me and his rhythm is off and a moment later I feel the hot liquid. He holds me up and tight against him while he lets go. It's just a few more thrusts before he pulls out, then he leans his forehead against my back where he pants wordlessly. 

I shift around slowly to hold him. I'm feeling tired and sore but I want him to know how much I love him. The last week has been a constant hell of waiting for the phone to ring, for someone to tell me that he's dead. To have him now, feel his heart against my chest, smell the musk and fresh air that's only him, it's worth anything. 

But just as I make it around so we're facing, spent cocks touching, sweaty bodies pressed to each other, he steps away from me. No kiss, no touch. He just steps back, pulls his jeans up and around and goes into the bedroom. I have a flash of feeling like the local whore but I just pull my own clothes up and follow him. 

He has already stripped and gotten into bed by the time I reach the bedroom. Diefenbaker is curled up on the floor on my side of the bed. He usually sleeps at the end but I don't give it much thought. Since Fraser disappeared he's been sleeping on my side. 

"We gotta talk, Fraser," I say. 

"About what, Ray?" He asks. 

I'm starting to get pissed now but I don't want to be. I just want to be happy that he's home and safe but it's getting hard to think like that. 

"How about we start with where you've been all week." 

"I can't tell you that." 

"That answer's not gonna work for me, Fraser." 

"Go to sleep, Ray." 

I almost have to prop my jaw back up. He rolls on to his side facing away from me. 

"What the hell does that mean?" 

"It means that I'm tired and you're tired and sleeping will cure that problem. I will want to have sex in the morning so I think it would be good if we slept now." 

Have you ever had your worldview tilt? 

"Who the hell are you and what did you do with Fraser?" I ask him, only half kidding. 

He turns back over and there's an anger in his eyes I've never seen before. Not directed at perps, sure as hell not directed at me. It stops me for a minute. 

"Do you doubt who I am? Did we not just engage in an intimate sexual act?" 

I don't know how to answer that. It's yes and it's not yes too. 

"It's time to rest, Ray," he says, ending the conversation and rolling back on to his side. 

I remind myself that he's been missing for days, that I have no idea what happened to him while he was gone, that I nearly lost my mind worrying about him and now he's back. I strip down, pat Dief on the head and curl up close to Fraser. 

* * *

I wake in the morning, startled to have Fraser leaning over me. There's something wrong about his expression. I can't explain it except that I don't feel desired, more like stalked. He comes down long enough to kiss me and his mouth is dry. So is mine so the kiss isn't our best. He gives it a good try though while he swooshes around my teeth. 

My dick is liking this too even if I'm still a little shaky from last night's session. My morning erection is hardening with real interest and frankly we're both surprised when Fraser unceremoniously flips me on to my stomach. 

"Hey," I protest even though I'm sort of laughing too. A take-charge Mountie is not a bad thing. 

He doesn't answer me except to lick my neck and run a trail down my spine and I shiver nicely. He feels good against my back and there's no rush now as he starts planting kisses from my neck and working down. I'm reaching back, trying to touch him with one hand and reaching under me with the other because the fabric of the sheets is rubbing against my dick like crazy and I really want to jerk off. 

I'm more than a little surprised when Fraser grabs my pillow from under my head and then his too. He pulls my hips up, stuffs the pillows under me, all nice and strategic to get my ass in the air. I can feel his pace is changing. I thought we were going to take some time but he just wants in. 

He uses his knee to kick my legs apart and then he grabs my arm, the one that had been making my cock happy. He pulls my arm back despite my protest and then he grabs the other one and pulls it back too. This is getting a little weird. Not exactly scary or anything but it feels odd to have him restraining me like this. I'm a tactile guy. I like to touch. 

The next thing I feel is his cock pressing at my opening and that does panic me a little. He hasn't done anything to get me ready and unless I slept through it, he hasn't gotten the lube out of the drawer. 

"Slow down, Fraser," I order him, pulling at the grip on my arms. 

He doesn't answer. Just leans over and kisses me once before his cock drives into me. It hurts going dry like that and I think the only reason he got in at all was his cock must have been leaking. That doesn't help me though and I try to buck him off while I tell him to stop. He doesn't though and I can't budge him with my arms still in his grip and his weight bearing down on me. 

"Stop it," I yell at him while he continues jerking in and out in hard thrusts. "You're hurting me." 

"Don't whine, Ray," he says but his voice is breathless with the exertion of fucking me. 

"Fraser, stop it. Stop right now," I tell him just before he shudders against my back and comes. 

He pulls out right away and lets my arms go. He rolls me back over and I shove him away from me. My dick is about half hard now. The pain made it wilt, the anger kept it fighting. Fraser comes back towards me so I shove him again and crawl out of bed. 

"Whatever the fuck happened to you, Fraser, nothing gives you the right to do that to me." 

He looks genuinely confused. 

"I thought you enjoyed penetration." 

"I don't enjoy pain, Fraser. You held me down and fucked me. What the hell is that about?" 

He seems to think about that. He climbs off his side of the bed and looks at me with his arms crossed over his chest. He's naked and utterly bold and that isn't like Fraser either. 

"I apologize," he says finally. "You're right. I gave no thought to your comfort. It'll be better after breakfast." 

"Forget about after breakfast," I tell him. "When you want to tell me what's going on, then we'll talk." 

Fraser looks at me then and it's almost like watching one of those cartoons when a light bulb appears. He cocks his head at me and nods. 

"Understood." 

He walks past me, pats my shoulder and goes into the bathroom. A few minutes later I hear the shower turn on. I can't move for a second. It's all wrong. I look at the clock next to the bed hoping that it's distorted somehow. I want this to be a dream. I want Fraser to be back but I want this morning to be a dream. I pinch myself. It hurts. Fuck. 

I need to clean up before I get dressed but since my Fraser-clone is in the bathroom, I pull on a robe and go into the kitchen to make coffee. I put water on for tea automatically. I'm not hungry but Fraser's been missing for a week and I don't know if he's been eating or what so I pull out the little plastic canister of pre-mix pancake batter and add water. I shake up the container while the griddle is warming. The batter pours out even so I make three giant circles and wait for the edges to get solid. 

I hear the shower turn off just as I start flipping the pancakes over. Fraser comes out of the bedroom, naked and rubbing his hair with a towel. I might be mad but my dick is used to being happy about a naked Fraser. I decide to ignore that though. Despite popular opinion, I am not a slut. I do have self-control and I am still royally pissed even if I am fixing him breakfast. 

"I apologize for this morning, Ray. I missed you and I allowed that emotion to take control of me." 

I sigh. That's a little formal, even for my Mountie, but it's also an apology. A real one this time. He's not just placating me like he was trying to do in the bedroom. I scoop the pancakes off the griddle, drop them on a plate and hand them across the bar to him. 

"This is nice, Ray. I knew you would be." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" That a nice apology would get me back without a fuss? Does he really think he can manipulate me like that? 

"Last week when I was thinking about coming home to you, I knew you'd be kind." 

Oh. 

"Oh, well, yeah, I was crazy worrying about you last week. I thought you were dead, Fraser." 

"Yes, I know. I'm sorry about that. There was no way to get word to you." 

He says this around a mouthful of dry pancakes. 

"Don't you want some butter or syrup on those?" 

"Uh, yes, let's see, butter only. Syrup is too sweet." 

I hand him the butter dish and a knife. I flip my own pancakes over wondering if he's got a concussion or something. Maybe something terrible happened to him and he's a having traumatic stress. 

"Where were you, Fraser? I need you to tell me." 

He glares at me for just a second before his expression clears. Then with a voice that clearly says he is just giving in to make me drop it, he says, 

"I was on special assignment with the CSIS. That's essentially the equivalent of the CIA. That's all I can tell you." 

"You were working? And you couldn't call me up. Say, like, Ray, my friend, I will not be home for several days, I am working, don't worry. You couldn't do that?" 

"No, I couldn't." 

"And you didn't know I'd be going out of my mind?" 

"I thought you might worry but I am an adult, Ray, I didn't think you'd be frantic." 

"This is Chicago, Fraser. You know why they call this place the Windy City?" 

"Yes, it's because..." 

"You're wrong, it's because people blow away and they never get heard from again. This is Chicago, Fraser. I thought you were dead." 

"I can see you're distressed. Your pancakes are burning." He's right. I flip all three of mine into the sink and turn on the water. I pick up the griddle and throw it after them making a loud clatter when metal hits porcelain followed by a hiss of steam from the water. 

"I did my duty, Ray. I thought you'd understand that." 

"Well, I don't. I thought you had a duty here too, Fraser. I thought we had something going on here." 

"Of course we do. We're very close. Mutually beneficial. Partners. Red ships, green ships. A duet." 

"I thought so too." I can't even look at him right now while my anger is deflating in favor of the dull ache throbbing through my chest. 

"If I could have sent you a message, I would have. I was forbidden to make contact. There was nothing I could have done short of desertion." 

"I'm not sure that's good enough." 

I leave him with his breakfast and go off to shower. I'm shaking by the time I step under the hot spray. It's adrenaline and exhaustion and I know it. I keep repeating to myself that he's back and that's all that matters. But that doesn't help either. I need him to be Fraser. 

By the time I get out, dry off and dress, the apartment is empty. At least he left a note. He said he thought I could use some time alone and he wanted to check in at the Consulate. He took Dief with him. 

He's right. Except...except the last time we weren't together, he disappeared. 

My heart decides it doesn't like me anymore. It pounds against my chest determined to find a way out. My breath starts coming in hard gasps. And before I know it, my knees give out altogether. I just kneel on the floor, arms wrapped around my middle, heaving and gasping for air. 

I don't know how long how I was there. It was long enough for my knees to be throbbing and for the feeling in my feet to be gone. 

A knock on the front door brings me around and I'm embarrassed that my eyes are wet. Not from crying. It's just a weird reaction to stress. I'd never had an anxiety attack but I'm betting that was one. Not much else it could be unless it was a total breakdown. 

The knock becomes more insistent. I drag myself off the floor and nearly pitch forward when the needles shoot through my waking feet. I steady myself with one hand on the back of the nearest chair and get some air inside. 

By the time I get to the door, I'm looking at the back of my visitor as he walks towards the elevator. 

"Vecchio," I say to stop him. 

He turns around with a start. He looks like shit. Eyes too big for his skull, pasty complexion, especially for an Italian, and one living in Florida at that. 

"Is he here?" 

"Went to the Consulate." 

I go back inside knowing he'll follow. He comes in and shuts the door behind him. 

"You let him go alone?" 

"He left while I was in the shower. No letting involved." 

"How is he? Welsh said you found him at the hospital." 

"What are you doing here, Vecchio? I told you I'd call you as soon as we knew anything." 

"Well it's a good thing I didn't believe you then, huh." 

"I would've called. It was...last night was...I would've called." 

"I was already in the air when you found him. Stella couldn't stand having me pace all over the house so she sent me here." 

"Well, you can get your return flight then. He's back. He's fine." 

"I'm not leaving just yet, Kowalski. You want to settle down?" When I look at him, he looks calm. 

"You're right. Sorry. He really is okay. We did find him at the hospital but it doesn't look like he had a reason to be there. He either won't say or doesn't know who left him there or when they left him. He says he was on Canadian secret agent type business but he can't tell me what. And he wasn't allowed to contact anybody while he was gone. And pretty much, he's sorry to worry everybody but hey...it was business." 

I didn't actually want to sound that bitter. 

"That doesn't make any sense you know," Vecchio points out helpfully. 

"Can't imagine why'd you say that." I know he doesn't deserve so much sarcasm but he hasn't been here for the last week or the last twelve hours. I figure he's just gonna have to cut me some slack or take himself on the road. 

"How can he not know who brought him to the hospital or when and still not have anything wrong with him?" 

"I don't know, Vecchio. Maybe he was lying yesterday. He didn't want to tell me where he's been or anything. Maybe he was just blowing me off until he could think of something else to say." 

"Benny avoids more than he lies. Was it a direct question and answer?" 

"Nothing's been direct since he got back. I asked him what he did with the real Fraser last night and for a second I thought he was gonna hit me over it." 

Vecchio's eyebrows go up. "Fraser?" I just shrug. "Maybe it's time to talk to his boss. He's gotta know something." 

"He doesn't have one. They're letting Fraser run things until they get somebody. Not that they promoted him or anything." 

Vecchio rolls his eyes at that. Something else we agree on. The RCMP has been treating Fraser like crap for years and they're still doing it. 

"I'm going to the Consulate. Maybe he'll talk to me." 

"More than he talks to me? Dream on, Vecchio." 

"Well, I'm not fucking him, Kowalski. Maybe he needs to say something that he can't say to you." 

"Nice language. You sweet talk Stella with that mouth?" 

"Give me a break, huh. You turned him into a faggot, you made him forget I was his best friend and then you lost him for a week." 

"Must be nice to know everything. I guess Fraser never told you about Eric or Mark Smithbauer. Or how he never did like having June in the scouts with him and Innusiq." 

For a minute I think Vecchio is really going to lose it but he just sighs at me and leaves. He loves giving me those long-suffering sighs. Like his life was so perfect before I met up with Fraser. Like he didn't run off to play Joe Undercover just to get away from Fraser. Not that he'd ever admit to something like that. 

I don't have to go into work but I figure I should call Welsh anyway. He deserves some kind of an update even if it isn't much. 

After that's done and he's sort of mollified for the moment, I decide to curl up on the couch. I'm tired down to my roots from all the insanity. I'm sore from Fraser using me like a recreational vehicle. And I'm depressed because I want my Mountie back and I don't know how to get him. 

I fall asleep and don't wake up until the front door opens. 

* * *

"Ray, are you here?"

Fraser's voice. 

"He's over there on the couch." 

Vecchio. 

"Sleeping in the middle of the day? Are you ill?" 

I am pushing up and scooting around to sit. Dief waits until my feet are on the floor before he sits down and leans against my leg. Fraser puts his hand against my forehead. 

"You don't feel warm." 

"I'm not sick. I was just a little tired. How are things at the Consulate?" 

"About as I expected. You're certain you're not sick?" 

"I'm fine. How about you? Any side effects from your journey to the dark side?" 

The look he gives me says he has no idea what I'm talking about. 

"Star Wars, Benny. He's quoting a movie at you." 

"Oh. In any event, I feel fine." 

"Well, I'm taking off then," Vecchio says. "I'm glad you're okay, Benny." 

"Thank you kindly, Ray. I'm sorry that you had to come all this way. Are you certain you wouldn't like to stay here instead of a hotel?" 

If he says yes, I'll kill him. But, Vecchio just glances at me before he declines the offer. He leaves without telling me anything but I get the feeling he doesn't think there's anything wrong with Fraser. Must be my imagination. 

Fraser sits down next to me after the door closes. He puts his hand against my forehead again but doesn't comment. Instead he runs a hand from my shoulder to my wrist and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not still mad and maybe I was overreacting and just maybe we can get to know each other again, only this time, we'll do it right. 

All that thinking gets me nowhere because a second later his grip gets hard and twists my arm around and that twists my body before I can start fighting back so in about half a second I'm making like a pretzel with my chest pressed against the arm of the couch, my head hanging over it and my legs trapped under Fraser's body. He's still got my wrist twisted perfectly up to the middle of my back. 

"Ow, Jesus, Fraser, get off me, what're you doing?" I yell at him. He shoves my arm up another little bit and the pain shoots from my shoulder and makes me gasp. 

Dief is standing now with his teeth bared at the both of us but he doesn't look like he knows who to defend. 

"There is no reason for you to send a spy after me." Fraser's voice is so calm and even, it's almost like a joke. 

I push back at him, kicking my legs as much as I can and trying to squirm my way free with whatever leverage I can get. He gives my arm another shove and I know it won't take much to just pull it out of the socket now. I'm not getting anywhere fighting and my vision is getting a little dim from the limited oxygen so I force myself to go limp. He recognizes the surrender and loosens up his grip but not the pressure so I'm still fighting to breathe. 

Dief growls. 

"It's all right, Diefenbaker," Fraser says and the wolf doesn't get more aggressive but he doesn't sit down or relax either. 

"Get off me." I keep my voice steady and low. 

"Do you understand your behavior in this instance will not be tolerated?" 

"Get the fuck off me, Fraser." Still calm, serious and reasonable. 

"Answer my question." 

"I understand." I give in because I want him to get off me. I can't fight like this so he has to stop seeing me as a threat. 

He doesn't let go right away. I feel his weight shift and it drives my chest harder into the armrest. Then I feel his mouth on my neck, all dry and scratchy. His tongue gets into the action but it's dry too as it traces a path from the edge of my hairline down to just under my shirt. 

I'm trying real hard not to let him know how scared I am right now. I don't know who came home last night but this guy isn't Fraser. My mind is clicking through every insane movie plot I ever saw about body switching, facelifts and brain washing. I know none of that's real but I also know this isn't my Fraser. 

His weight shifts again and he sits back at the end of the couch. My right arm has been trapped under me so it's a little numb but it's nothing compared to the throbbing going through my left arm. I maneuver pretty slowly to turn around and get to sitting, taking my time on purpose so I can catch my breath and get all the blood flowing the way it's supposed to. 

I flinch away automatically when he reaches towards me but he just puts his palm against my forehead again. 

"You feel a bit warm now, Ray, but I'm sure your temperature will decrease shortly." 

The pain is getting less and the pins in my limbs seem to be fading. I have my breath back and I'm getting some control over the adrenaline. I stand up slowly and take a few test steps to the bedroom. Everything is working just fine. 

"Fraser, will you come here for a second? I want to show you something." 

"Of course, Ray." He stands up and walks over to me and for just a second I see my Mountie in his eyes. But it's not enough. 

I pull back with all my strength and belt him solidly in the jaw. He stumbles backward but he doesn't fall. Instead he just cradles his chin with one hand and looks at me like I betrayed him. It's the same look he gave me when I hit him once before and it just pisses me off. 

"Don't you ever think about trying something like that again." I'm practically spitting I'm so mad. 

"It is my duty as your life partner to counsel you when you make an error in judgment that affects our relationship." 

It takes me a second to process what he said. Not because I don't understand it, I just can't believe he said it. 

"I did not send Vecchio anywhere. He wanted to see for himself that you're all right. He flew all the way from Florida because he was worried, you think he wouldn't want to see you?" 

"He said that you were concerned about me, that you didn't think I was behaving normally." 

"You're not which is why you are going to the hospital, right now. There's something loose in that head of yours and we're gonna find out what it is." 

"I'm not going to hospital, Ray. It's you who's acting strangely. You don't want to make love. You tell my good friend, Ray Vecchio, that there's something wrong with me and you send him, in secret, to find out what it is. You don't believe me when I tell you where I've been. You've done nothing but complain and cajole since I've come home. And now you tell me that you think I'm the one that's ill." 

"What are you talking about?" I yell. There isn't a reasonable bone left in my body. And he's just staring at me, all calm and unruffled. It makes me want to hit him again. 

"You haven't stopped badgering me since yesterday. And all you've done is complain when I've tried to show you what you mean to me." 

"No. No. You do not get to put this on me. You haven't done anything in the last two days that even comes close to affection." 

"That's just silly, Ray." 

"Fraser, will you listen to yourself?" 

"I'm listening to you." 

"Well stop it. I mean...you know what I mean. You're not making any sense." 

I take a second to calm down. Whatever is going on here, I'm not gonna get solved by fighting. I need to prove to him that he's the one acting screwy. 

"Fraser, think about it. Why were you at the hospital last night?" 

"Because that's where I was left." 

"Who left you there?" 

"A friend." 

"What friend?" 

"I couldn't say." 

"You don't know or you can't tell me?" 

"We've already discussed this at length." 

"Why did they leave you at the hospital?" 

"It was a place. He just wanted a place that was safe and the hospital met that criteria." 

"Who did?" 

He looks frustrated and mad. That makes me feel a little better because at least he's starting to realize there should be an answer. 

"Does he have a name?" 

"Rank...I think. He has a rank...a designation." 

"American or Canadian?" 

"I can't discuss this any further. I've already explained that." 

"Were you hurt? Is that why he left you there?" 

"Stop asking me questions, Ray." 

The confusion is starting to sound like desperation. If he were a suspect I'd be two minutes away from a confession. He's not a suspect though and I made a mistake because he's not handcuffed either. I barely see his arm come up and my mind doesn't catch the impact before my face does. 

Ring the bell, folks, because he's out. 

* * *

My head hurts. There's black ink splotches expanding and shrinking in front of my eyes. They're making me dizzy. My jaw is cold. On the up side my hand feels warm. 

"Ray, can you hear me?" 

Focusing takes some time and effort but finally there's one clear Mountie instead of lots of blurry ones. 

"I'm terribly sorry, Ray, are you all right?" 

"Didn't exactly pull that last one, did ya?" 

The pressure and the cold at my jaw are starting to bug me so I bat at it before I realize it's an ice pack. The pressure goes away and I'm grateful. 

"I didn't want you to swell." 

"Best way to avoid that is to not hit me." 

"I'm so sorry. That was an unconscionable thing to do. I think you're right, Ray, I'm clearly not in my right mind or I would never have...I have no wish to hurt you." 

I push myself up and lean back against the headboard. I'm happy to find that I'm in our bed. It's warm and safe and it means he took care of me. That's gotta be a good sign. 

"Yeah, well, I don't wanna hurt you either. I did hit you first, Fraser." 

My jaw is aching after that little speech. 

"You're frustrated with me and it's entirely my fault. I've been far too vague with you. I thought you'd understand my duty and why I couldn't tell you more but I see that's not the case. I need to tell you everything so we can avoid these arguments." 

The way he said that makes me think I'm wrong and I know I'm not and that makes me mad again. I swallow it back though because right now I just want the answers. 

Fraser pushes the hair off my forehead with light fingers after he sits down beside me. He puts one hand on the knee farthest from him and starts rubbing my leg above the covers. It's all gentle and soothing and I can't help melting into it. 

Being a guy, I can't resist looking at his face too to see what damage I did when I hit him. A little comparative bruising. He doesn't have one. Not so much as a red dot and I put some real power into that punch. I must've pulled it at the last or something. I can honestly say that he didn't. 

"Last week, I was visited by three high ranking members of the CSIS. Defense Minister Art Eggleton was visiting Chicago for some high level meetings with members of your government. He's been experiencing some death threats so his visit was kept entirely secret. Since there are relatively few members of the RCMP locally, they sought my assistance. There was no contact permitted outside of their inner circle until Mr. Eggleton was safely boarded on his plane yesterday evening." 

I look at him and he's in full Mountie earnestness. This sounds just like him. They came calling, told him to jump, told him to stay quiet and he went along because he made an oath almost twenty years ago. 

The thing is, I don't think that's all that was going on. I mean, come on, they snatch him and forbid him to have any contact with anybody. What if he was married or had kids or a sick parent or something? 

"You didn't think that was strange?" 

"Actually, yes. But I took an oath to follow the orders of my superiors." 

Do I know my Mountie or what? 

"Fraser, I appreciate you telling me the details and I know it's hard for you to do that when they told you not to. But there's some holes in your story that I..." 

"It's not a story, Ray." 

"I don't mean it like that. And I hate to risk getting hit again but that doesn't explain why you don't know how you got to the hospital or who brought you." 

"They didn't want to take me back to the Consulate or the police station for fear of being seen. They didn't bring me here for the same reason. They left me at the hospital because it was convenient, close and safe." 

"Who are they?" 

"I can't say, Ray." 

"Can't or won't?" 

He doesn't answer me, just gives me a blank look. 

"If the operation is over then why didn't you just tell me the truth?" I persist. 

"I was sworn to secrecy, Ray. There were many facets to the operation that I was not privy to. However, I was instructed quite specifically not to share any details. I know, for instance, that former Prime Minister Mulroney's visit is not to be publicized." 

That sounds like him too. But none of it explains how weird he's been acting since he got back. 

On the other hand, the man I'm looking at now is the person I love. He's still rubbing my leg and it's not sex, it's comfort. He's looking in my eyes with all the strength of his personality and it's forceful. I let out a shaky breath and he gathers me up like I'm a kid. 

He just holds me, stroking me, soothing me. God, how close did I come to losing him forever? 

"I love you," I whisper to him, right next to his ear and he hugs me tighter. 

"This is nice," he says. It almost sounds like it's new to him, which it isn't. 

We boff like bunnies a lot but we cuddle sometimes too. We both like being together just touching and holding each other even if it it's not going anywhere except to sleep. Not that sex isn't a great goal, I mean, that's always a great place to go but this is different. 

Anyway, we stay like that for a long time. He moves around a little to get comfortable but he doesn't let go of me, or anything. I put my head on his thigh and curl up and he strokes my hair and my shoulder while I hug his leg. 

"I'm sorry that I struck you, Ray. I think I am feeling more tense than I realized." 

"I know. I'm sorry I hit you too. I don't wanna be wailing on each other." 

"No, absolutely not." 

"Good. So, no more hitting." 

"Good." 

We stay quiet then. I'm thinking about how nice it is to be like this and I'm just about to fall asleep when my mind attacks me with the memory of this morning. Fraser was out of control just a few hours ago. I can't help the shiver that goes through me. 

Fraser bends over me and the feel of being trapped is too much. I shove myself away from him in one fast motion and stumble when my feet hit the floor. 

I can hear his voice but it sounds like a long way away. 

The whole echoey, tunnelly thing just sort of stops once I get my balance again. At first, I'm left with nothing. No sound is getting through. Nothing seems real and it's like being dropped down a dark hole. And then that goes away too. 

Fraser is sitting on the bed, with his head cocked to one side, looking at me like I'm something he's never seen before. Dief is scratching on the closed door of the bedroom. 

"Why is Dief locked out?" I ask, stupidly. 

"He wanted to lick you and I thought you needed to rest." 

"He doesn't like you." 

"He's just being obstinate." 

"You've been acting weird. Way weird. You're not acting like the freak I know, you're..." 

"I'm trying, Ray. I said I was sorry for hitting you." 

"Not that, not that. This morning...last night...just...this morning. I'm not playing that game." 

"I was too aggressive. I didn't realize that you needed to initiate sex but if that's how you want it I suppose..." 

"What the hell are you talking about? This isn't about who gets to start who. I can't believe you don't get that. We've been together awhile, Fraser, and you've never acted like I was some tree knot you can use to get off on." 

He thinks about that. I can practically see him processing my words. And it scares me. 

"So, then, it is customary to practice proper preparation as well as providing information of intent." 

This is probably the closest I've come to really screaming since I was ten years old. I take two steps towards him, no closer than I have to get, grab my pillow off the bed and go into the living room. Dief whines and licks my hand so I pet him. 

A quick glance at the clock tells me it's night but it's too early to go to bed. I throw the pillow on to the couch. I'm not hungry even though I haven't eaten today. I grab my jacket out of the closet and take Dief with me when I leave. I resist the urge to slam the door. 

* * *

I don't have any place special that I want to go and for some reason my car just drives itself over to Vecchio's mother's place. I don't want to be there. I'm tired, I feel like crap and the last thing I need is an argument. 

Still, I open the door, swing my legs out and stand up. Just as quickly, I stumble backward. Everything takes on a kind of tilt while I use the car to stay on my feet. My legs feel rubbery and my hands feel numb. I'm surprised when I hear a yell but I can't really focus on it. Then I'm surprised when I have hands all over me, lifting me up, supporting me. I have a crazy idea that it's Fraser because who else would bother but I don't feel Fraser. I have a sixth sense about him. 

"Okay, Kowalski, come on." Oh. It's Vecchio. 

Getting helped by him sends a quick adrenaline rush through me so I mock slap at his hands until he lets me go. Unfortunately my legs buckle again and this time, he isn't fast enough to catch me. I land on my knees. 

"I don't know what's wrong," I yell at him like it's his fault. 

"Then stop fighting me and let me get you in the house. Tony, come here and help." 

Oh, this just gets better and better. Now I'm being rescued by Ray Vecchio and his lazy brother-in-law. 

I can't argue with the results though when I'm finally lying on the Vecchio couch, embarrassed but glad to be off the ground. Diefenbaker is licking my hand and whining. Mrs. Vecchio stops by, looks at me for a moment and slaps a cold washcloth over my forehead. She puts her hands on her ample hips and shakes her head. 

"When did you last eat?" 

"I'm not Italian, Mrs. Vecchio, I do not have to eat every..." 

"Don't be a smart alec with me, young man. When did you last eat?" 

"Have you eaten since I brought you that donut, Ray?" Frannie has come up to stand beside her mother, mirroring her stance. 

"Uh...maybe..." 

"That was like eight o'clock yesterday morning, Ma. And I know he didn't eat the day before." 

"I been drinking coffee," I offer as an excuse, feeling like I've been snitched on. 

"And you wonder why you don't feel strong. I'll fix you a proper dinner." 

I don't feel hungry but I'm not so far gone that I don't realize I need to eat. And even without the hunger, I'm grateful for the food. Apparently Dief has decided he's starving too because he follows Mrs. Vecchio and Frannie into the kitchen. 

Vecchio opens a TV tray in front of the couch. He comes back a minute later with a napkin and eating utensils. Then he tells me to sit up. While I obey orders he disappears and then comes back with a glass of orange juice and a glass of milk. The juice goes in my hand while the milk goes on the tray. 

I guzzle the juice and my body starts being happy for the change right away. My stomach growls at the aroma of food and then the microwave dings. Mrs. Vecchio must be re-heating whatever they had for dinner. 

Frannie brings a large bowl of something that has hamburger, egg noodles and vegetables all mixed together in some kind of cream sauce. 

"Ma's hamburger casserole. It's good," she encourages me. 

I'm surprised it's not spaghetti or ravioli or stuffed rigatoni but I'm not complaining. It tastes wonderful. The more I eat, the more I want to eat. It doesn't even bother me that Vecchio is sitting across from me with his arms folded waiting for me to finish. 

I gulp down the milk and finish the food and the effect is instantaneous. I feel stronger, sated, clearer. I was starving and didn't even realize it with all the insanity of the last few days. 

Frannie turns up again and clears away my plate and now I'm embarrassed again. 

"You don't have to wait on me." 

"You're company. Trust me...I do." 

Once she left the room, Vecchio sat forward in his chair. 

"So, how'd you let yourself get so run down?" 

"I guess I was worried about Fraser." 

"He's back, Kowalski. You should've eaten last night, this morning, some time today. You had lots of opportunities to eat. But it's not just food you're missing, is it? You looked like crap this afternoon and you still do." 

"It's a little stress. I'll be fine." I know I sound irritable which is ungrateful as hell but I don't like the accusation in his voice. 

"More than a little. You still think he's not acting right?" 

"You spent the afternoon with him. Are you telling me you didn't see anything wrong with him?" 

Vecchio looked down at his hands and he didn't answer right away. 

"You did? There was something wasn't there?" 

"I don't know. There was something strange about him. Like...I don't know." 

I lean forward too fast and get hit by another dizzy spell but it passes pretty quickly. 

"Tell me." 

"It's just...you didn't know Benny when he first came to Chicago." 

"On the trail of the killers of his father," I add needlessly but it just seems like you can't say the first part without the second. Vecchio glares at me. 

"Anyway. He was real formal for a while. Kind of stiff in the way he talked. Always standing at attention. Everything was black and white for him. Help the needy, arrest the guilty and God Save the Queen. But he loosened up. The Fraser you know is a lot more relaxed and comfortable with himself than the guy who showed up here." 

I don't bother mentioning that I think Vecchio always made him feel like he had to be formal. 

"Today, he was more like that Fraser. But, I haven't seen him in a long time so maybe I'm just remembering him different." 

"No, I don't think so. He is like that again." 

"He wasn't at the Consulate either. I passed him while I was driving over. He was like half a block away and going in the other direction." 

"Where was he heading?" 

"He said the staff had everything all caught up so he was gonna go to the store on the corner and grab a cab home from there." 

"Well, that sounds possible. He says he has a good staff." 

"Yeah, sure. But, the thing is...if it wasn't Benny...I would've thought he was lying." 

"Fraser doesn't lie." 

"You thought he was lying this morning." 

"I know...I know...it's just when you say it, it sounds worse." 

Vecchio shakes his head at me before he turns to look out the window. It's dark and empty on the street and there's a streetlight flickering. 

"Where'd you get that bruise on your face?" He asks. 

I don't answer. I can just see him picturing some kind of "gay" cat fight going on like we're a couple of sissies slapping at each other and pulling hair. It makes me mad before he has a chance to say anything. He figures it out though. 

"Why'd he hit you?" 

"I hit him first." 

It was true even if it did leave out some important information. 

"I don't want you hitting him," Vecchio said and his tone is dark. 

"Yeah, well, I don't want to either. Look, I love Fraser." 

"Hey, keep your voice down. My ma is in the kitchen." 

"We wouldn't want your mother to know about homosexuals, would we?" 

"Kowalski, you came here, remember? I'm trying to help you." 

He's right even if he is a narrowed minded bigot. 

"The point I'm trying to make is that I would never do anything to hurt Fraser. But there's something wrong here and when I pressed him for information, he belted me. When I came to..." 

"Wait a minute, he knocked you out?" 

I just look at him. I mean, I just said that, right? 

"You probably have a concussion or something. No wonder you're passing out in the driveway." 

"I don't have a concussion. I had hunger...and stress, maybe. The bonk on the head was just a side show." 

"Maybe I ought to take you to the hospital." 

"Let it go, Vecchio. I'm fine. I'm just insane about Fraser and it's making me a little shaky. Believe me, I'm as surprised as anybody. I'm built for stress, you know? It's what I do." 

"But Fraser's never been on the line before. Not like this, has he?" 

"The last time he was, I drove a motorcycle through a glass window to get to him. This past week, I couldn't do anything like that. It was the helplessness, the not knowing, that did it. I held it together pretty good though until...until he got back. But now that he's not acting right, it's like...pushing me over the edge." 

"Maybe now that he's back, your head is telling you it's okay to let go a little. Frannie tells me you hardly slept or ate while he was missing. Maybe now it's time to..." 

"I didn't come here to get my head shrunk, Vecchio." 

He takes a breath like he knows he has to put up with me but he doesn't like it. I wonder if it's that whole company etiquette thing that Frannie mentioned. 

"Let me tell you what's going on, Kowalski and then you can get some sleep and feel better because I can explain the whole thing right now." 

I sit back, knowing that the explanation is going to be wrong but figuring I should hear him out since I did come looking for help. 

"Fraser just completed a stressful assignment. He was gone without a word to anybody and now he's feeling his way back. He's nervous because he knows that while he may have done his duty, he also did something wrong to you and to the rest of us. You went crazy thinking he was dead or some other terrible thing. You pushed yourself to the absolute limit. And now that Fraser is back, you haven't caught up enough to let yourself relax. You're still in emergency mode. So, what you have to do now, is let it go. Let the last week settle into the past, thank God that Fraser is back and move on. You have to make it okay for him to be back. Once you do that, he'll stop acting weird." 

That made more sense than I expected it to. I sit back again and the exhaustion just kind of rolls over me. Vecchio is right. He has to be. 

I look at him and find him looking at me. He's all serious and intense waiting for me to do something. I don't know if he expects me to start yelling or breaking things or trying to steal the silverware but his attention is all on me. I shift around, uncomfortable with all the focus and get to my feet. The food must be kicking in now because there's only a little of the dizzy feeling left. 

"Thanks for you help," I tell him and then I go into the kitchen. I thank his mother for feeding me and I thank Frannie for serving me and call to Dief who is licking his chops over something that was in a bowl nearby. Vecchio stays close. He's hovering around me like a bee or something, still waiting, I guess, for some reaction to what he said. 

I go to the front door and turn around because I owe him that much. 

"What you said...it made sense. I'm gonna go try it out on Fraser and see if we can get past this." 

He looks uncertain. "Good, I guess." 

He still can't get used to his buddy being with me, but for him, that was progress. Plus, I can't ignore that he jumped right in when I got here and he didn't give me any grief about it. 

"Thanks," I say as I leave. 

"You all right to drive?" 

"Sure. Two feet, one gearshift and pay attention to the multi-colored lights. I think I got it." 

"You ever thought of getting medicated, Stanley?" 

I laugh that off. I think he was just kidding. I think. 

* * *

It's late when we get home. I figure Fraser is gonna think I went out and got plastered. I used to do that but I stopped it when I realized it really bugged him. Now I drink almost as rarely as he does. Still, we haven't had a day like today in...well, we've never had a day like today so I can see why he'll be thinking the worst. 

The apartment is dark when I go in so I'm careful because if he's sleeping I don't want to wake him. Diefenbaker seems to get it too because he doesn't just bound into the bedroom like he usually would. I ease my way past the couch when I notice that he's made it up for me. There's a sheet all tucked in to the cushions. The blanket and pillow I left are waiting for me but they're all neat. 

If I was still married to Stella, the bedding wouldn't be neat and the message would be clear that she didn't want me near her. With Fraser, the message is different. He made up the couch so I'd be comfortable if that's where I wanted to sleep. But, he's also saying that he's taking care of me and that he's not mad. 

I grab the pillow and head into the bedroom. He's there, all tucked in, looking warm and inviting so I make a quick stop in the bathroom, strip down and crawl in next to him. He says something soft in his sleep and it sounds like gibberish but then he pulls me close to him and I settle in for the first decent sleep I've had in over a week. 

* * *

The next morning comes with a tickle over my ribs and then a mouth waking my dry tongue with some concentrated attention. I push into it, feeling myself harden and feeling him hard and ready against my hip. His body is pressing warm and firm against me while one hand is tugging at my hair, maneuvering my mouth for access and the other hand is busily exploring my side and hip. 

Everything feels good so I take the initiative to find his cock. It's hot against my hand, pushing into my palm while he makes nice happy noises into my mouth. I still haven't opened my eyes but I start tugging with some force that makes him moan in appreciation. His hips start moving, almost massaging the inside of my hand while I stroke him into the abyss. It doesn't take long before his body starts to stiffen and I know he's about to surrender. I want him to. I open my eyes to get a good view of his face while I pick up my pace. His head goes back exposing the long column of his throat while he releases a satisfied groan warming my hand and belly with his seed. 

I ease him through it until he sort of collapses on top of me with his head against my chest and his arms splayed out on either side. 

He doesn't say anything or move for a long time. I almost laugh when I think I must have killed him. But while I can give a hand job with the best of them, I'm pretty sure he's not going to die from ecstasy over it. Besides I can feel his chest moving with breath. Finally he starts to stir which is good since we're both sticky and I'm still hard. Even if I wanted to deal with that on my own, I can't do much with him covering me the way he is. 

He kisses me on the mouth. It's nice, kind of sweet with no tongue or intent, then he gets up and goes into the bathroom. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I like being there for him and it's nice to just give him something sometimes. But it isn't like him to leave me undone and that starts me thinking that he's acting weird again. I jerk myself off, quickly and efficiently and without much satisfaction. Not quite the way I was hoping that would happen. 

Then I wait for him to come out of the bathroom. He's naked when he shows up which sparks just a little interest but he just kisses me fast and tells me he'll prepare breakfast. He slips into his RCMP sweats that he left hanging on a hook in the closet and then he takes one of my white t-shirts out of a drawer. The shirt is a little snug but not as much as you'd think. 

Fraser leaves the bedroom and for the first time I notice that Dief doesn't go with him. Dief is sitting on my side of the bed looking lost. He's not even asking to go out. I pat his head on the way to the bathroom where I wash Fraser off me in a quick shower. Then I get dressed smelling toast and eggs from the kitchen. My stomach growls, which I take as a good sign. Dief is standing up, wagging his tail, clearly hoping I'll walk him so I assure him that's my plan. 

I tell Fraser what we're doing. He thanks me and tells me to hurry since breakfast is ready. 

I have to admit while I'm heading out, it all seems pretty normal. I usually walk the wolf a few times a week. Fraser and I do split the cooking duty. Fraser almost always showers first because I like to laze around in bed for half an hour before I start getting ready. 

By the time I'm climbing up the stairs I decide again that Vecchio was right. All Fraser and I need are a few days of normalcy and then we'll be back on track. Stress is an ugly thing but once you get a handle on it, you can start beating it back. 

Dief whines at me when I open the door so I just pat his head again hoping I can ease some of his worry too. 

Fraser is already sitting at the table. He has two plates of food out and even if he's sitting in my usual place, it all looks pretty normal. I sit down across from him and pick up my fork but just before I lift it, he puts his hand over my wrist. It's not tight or painful but there's enough pressure that I'd have to push back to start eating. 

"Ray Vecchio phoned." 

"Okay," I say warily. 

"He wanted to make sure you arrived home safely." 

"What's going on, Fraser?" 

He lets go of my wrist. 

"You went to see him last night?" 

"Yep." 

"And what did you tell him?" 

"Well, after I collapsed on his front lawn and his family figured out I was half-starved, I told him that I was worried about you." 

"What else?" 

See, there goes the tilt again. It's like being in LA during an earthquake, which I can tell you is spooky as hell when the ground starts shaking. 

"Did you hear what I said?" I ask him because my Mountie would be all overprotective and mothering right now until I got mad about it. This guy, the un-Mountie is still looking at me like he wants to hit me again. 

"I heard you. You're a grown man, you know how to feed yourself. Now, tell me what else the two of you discussed." 

So much for normal. 

"Vecchio thinks we're both over-stressed and we're both acting wrong and if I just relax, then you will too and everything will be okay. And up until right now I thought he had something. I'm going to work." 

I leave him staring at me with that scary anger on his face. My appetite is officially dead along with my optimism. Dief whines his agreement with me. 

I go in the bedroom, change into work clothes and get out of there. I'm almost afraid to hang around too long but I'm confused and worried too and I don't know what to do to make it right. So, I just leave without a word to him about how he's going to get to work or anything else. For his part, he stays at the table and doesn't look my way. 

I get to the station about a half-hour ahead of time. Frannie is already there, puttering around with some files. She got promoted a while back and now she doesn't just handle our office. With the extra work, she puts in a lot of extra hours. 

I take one look at her and head to the cafeteria where I get a couple danish out of the machine and some coffee. I make sure she sees the food when I tell her good morning and then I head to my desk to start going through all the stuff that hasn't gotten attention since the day Fraser disappeared. 

I spend most of the morning on the phone making follow-up calls. It's busy work that keeps my mind off everything else. I barely pay attention as the room fills with all the other detectives and staff. Welsh just grunts at me when he comes in. He's still not happy with Fraser but then again, who is? 

I'm surprised when Frannie taps me on the shoulder. She tells me it's 1:30. 

"Go get lunch. We haven't seen anything but the top of your head all morning." 

My stomach growls on cue. 

"Thanks. I'll be gone an hour, okay?" Before she can answer, Welsh is bellowing at me from his office. "Or not," I say. 

I go into Welsh's office where he pushes back in his chair. He folds his hands over his substantial belly before he talks. 

"What's going on, Kowalski?" 

That surprises me. I've been keeping my head down, working like a fiend all morning, what did I do to get attention? 

"What do you mean, Lieutenant?" 

"You've had your head down all day...working on paperwork. When you do look up you're sporting a bruise. So, what gives? I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth but I like to at least pay attention when my detectives start exhibiting alien behavior." 

Oh. 

"Oh. I'm just trying to get caught up. I let a lot of stuff slide during the Fraser search so I figure I owe some paperwork time. And the bruise is nothing. Just ran into something. It was stupid." 

Welsh sits forward to get a closer look at me. He places his open palms on the top of the desk. It's a weird feeling to be studied like that, especially when it's your boss. 

"Okay," he says, finally. "You don't want to talk about personal, I can live with that. Right now it's not affecting your work except in the best possible way. But if you're having problems, maybe you ought to talk to somebody." 

I'd like to, I think. But the person I talk to is Fraser. 

"Thanks, Lieutenant." 

I give him a smile just so he knows I'm okay but it feels flat and from the look on his face I know he doesn't buy it for a second. But he doesn't stop me either. 

* * *

I yell to Frannie that I'm leaving now and head out to the parking lot. There's a sub shop across the street so I cross against traffic earning a lot of beeping horns in the process. I get to the door at the same time as a good looking couple, so I hold the door open for them, then follow them in. 

The man has short hair, it's dark blond or light brown or whatever the hell you'd call it. He's wearing sort of owlish looking glasses but they work for him. The woman is pretty with short hair too but hers is much lighter and definitely blond. I notice she's looking around, checking out the corners of the place, just like I do whenever I go somewhere. It's second nature. I figure maybe she's a cop or she's just paranoid. They're both good looking but it's the guy that's pressing my buttons. I may be with Fraser but I'm not dead. 

I go up to the front counter because they're still deciding. Manny is taking orders, which is good because he knows how I like my sandwiches. 

"Hey, Manny." 

"Hey, Ray, you want the Philly cheese steak today? Lots of onions." 

"Yeah and a couple bags of chips too and a Coke. Make it the whole one, will ya? I might need the rest if I'm working late tonight." 

"No problem. It's $8.95." 

I hand him the nine dollars and go wait to the side for the food. The shop smells good with the onions and peppers cooking on the back grill, the marinara simmering in a pot and the aroma of fresh bread from the big metal ovens. 

The couple still isn't ordering. Manny watches them for a bit then he goes in the back to start my order. 

I catch the guy looking at me. He looks away real quick but all three of us are acutely aware of each other now. I am really hoping they aren't looking for a threesome or a hostage. 

Must be they're not because they talk a little between themselves and leave the restaurant. 

"You know those two?" I ask Manny. 

"No. They stopped in yesterday and stayed for lunch but that was the first time I saw them. Must be they changed their minds today." 

My sandwich comes up and I take it and the rest with me back across the street to my car. I sit on the hood and spread out a napkin next to me to put the drink on. There's no point in getting a water ring on the paint. It's too nice out to eat inside and too much trouble to drive to the park so I make do right there. I eat half the sandwich and wrap up the rest. Then I plow through both bags of chips. It doesn't take long to inhale all of it. Must be I'm still catching up on the missing calories. Once I'm done, I head back upstairs to finish out the afternoon. 

At the end of the day I make a list of things to do tomorrow. I'll have to be out of the office most of the time doing interviews and follow up stuff so I'm hoping it's going to be nice like it was today. Welsh passes me as he leaves for the day, which catches my attention because he almost never leaves before the rest of us. 

"Pack it in, Kowalski, you look like shit." 

Gee, thanks boss. 

I do what he says though. I was heading that way anyway. 

A part of me doesn't want to go home. I don't know what'll be waiting for me when I get there. Scary Fraser. Normal Fraser. No Fraser. I have no idea. He didn't call me all day. I didn't call him either. It's a crapshoot at this point trying to guess what will be there. 

I make a decision while I'm driving. I decide that I'm not going to let this happen anymore. Me and Fraser are going to talk this through, get it all out in the open and hopefully figure out what's going on with him. I'm not some delicate flower for God's Sakes, so what if he got a little rough, that's one of the hazards of intimacy, right? I refuse to be afraid of Fraser. 

I put the key in the lock, armed with my new determination and ready to talk. Unfortunately the apartment is empty. Damn. I take off my holster and take care of my gun then I go in the kitchen to decide what we're having for dinner. Usually we call each other but since we were acting like children we didn't do that today. 

I hear the scrape of his key before Diefenbaker bounds into the living room. He sniffs me out right away then he starts pacing back and forth in front of me. Dief has my attention so it takes a second before I look up to find Fraser standing in the doorway glaring at both of us. 

"You are spoiling him," he says to me. "And you are going back to Canada," he says to Dief. 

"What'd he do this time?" I ask, knowing that Fraser is always threatening to ship Diefenbaker home. 

"He is rude, willful and lazy. I won't put up with it any longer. I phoned Sgt. Frobisher earlier and he is willing to take on the responsibility." 

I crouch down without thinking, putting one arm around Dief's neck. 

"You did what?" 

"I've had it, Ray. I don't care that he saved my life. I've more than paid him back for that. I will not have a disrespectful wolf trailing my every move." 

"Come on, Fraser, you're mad right now but he's your best friend. You're not sending him away." 

"The arrangements have already been made. He'll ship out on Friday." 

My heart is thudding painfully. He can't mean that. 

"Fraser, this is Diefenbaker. Your companion. Your friend." 

"He's become a pet. Mostly due to your interference. He can go back to the wild and learn to be a wolf." 

"Hey, you are not blaming me for your stupid idea." I stand up. "You are not sending him anywhere." 

"It's not your decision, Ray." 

He walks away from me towards the bedroom while he loosens his uniform to take it off. Dief whines. 

"Don't worry." I pat him on the head before I follow Fraser. 

He's out of the red tunic and standing in front of the closet in his white t-shirt and suspenders and jodhpurs. He doesn't turn to look at me but I know he knows I'm there. Those bat ears don't miss anything. 

"It affects me. Dief is my friend too. If you don't want to take care of him, then I will until you come to your senses and realize what an ass you're being." 

"That is not acceptable. He's just a dog, Ray." 

"He's not just anything. He's our friend, our partner. He is as much a part of this duet as we are." 

"Duets don't include three parties." 

"Do not do that, Fraser, I'm serious here." 

"As am I." 

He still hasn't turned around. This talk isn't important enough to him to stop him from looking through the closet for a change of clothes. 

"I'm calling Frobisher and telling him to forget about it. Dief is staying with me." 

"You're as willful as he is," Fraser says as he turns around. His eyes are dark and his stance is dangerous. If he were a perp, I'd be reaching for my gun. 

"Do you have any idea how condescending that sounds?" 

"Ray, I am smarter than you, stronger than you and more disciplined than you. In my world, this conversation wouldn't even exist. You wouldn't dare." 

I let the jab of pain at his words go by. It's not like he's wrong, it's just not like him to say it out loud. I focus on the second part. 

"What the hell are you talking about? People don't argue in Canada?" 

He almost laughs. I see the flicker in his eyes. 

"You are interesting," he says. 

"When you're stupid and weak, you gotta make up somewhere." 

This time he does laugh as he strips off his clothes to change into jeans and a t-shirt. He hangs the uniform up as carefully as always while I sit on the bed to wait for him to finish. My cock gives a little twitch to remind me that half-dressed Fraser usually means full nudity and lots more fun. It makes me sad to think about that. 

"I love you, Ben. Even when you're acting crazy." 

I almost never use his first name so when I do I always have his attention. This is no exception. Except he doesn't give me his warm, I love you too look. He gives me the new, I may have to strangle you in your sleep, look. 

"I'm not insane, Ray. I wish you'd stop saying that I am." 

"Then you don't think you're acting a little bit nuts here? Using me like a toy you can leave behind, hitting me, threatening to deport Dief, none of this sounds off to you?" 

"I've been out of sorts and I've apologized, what more do you want?" 

"I want you, Fraser, back the way you were. Whatever happened to you while you were gone we can work through but I need some assurance that when it's all over, you'll be some version of you that I can recognize. Right now, I'm living with a clone that's sporting a bad temper and no manners." 

"And I am living with someone whose suspicions are leading him to go behind my back at every turn." 

"That's not fair. I talked to Vecchio because I had to talk to somebody and he's your friend." 

"Yes, he trusts me, something you can't manage apparently." 

Okay, that was a cheap shot. I recognize it from all those fights with Stella before we broke up. He's trying to hurt me just for the sake of it. That makes me realize that I'm sitting here trying to defend myself when he's the one who's nuts. 

"You know what, Fraser, forget it. You want to make this all about me, then go ahead." 

I stand up and he catches my wrist. At first he just pulls on it to keep me in one place but a second later he's squeezing hard enough to make me wince. My first instinct is to plow him one but I don't do it. I stop pulling back instead and set my feet apart for balance. 

"Let go, Fraser." 

"You can't go on being disrespectful, Ray." 

"Let me go or I'm gonna punch you. I swear to God, Fraser, I will punch you." 

"Hardly a new experience." 

"Goddammit, Fraser, let go of me right now." 

He hesitates about a fraction of a second, which gives me time to bunch up my other fist and then physically stop myself from swinging. It gives him time to make a decision of his own. In the span of a heartbeat I'm lying flat on my back on the floor and he's kneeling around me. I shove at his chest as hard as I can but he's still got one of my hands and all his weight is settled on my stomach. It's hard to breathe, but not impossible. I throw my whole self into getting him off me, flailing, kicking, whatever it takes. I get one good shot at his face that lands before he grabs my other wrist and pushes both my hands over my head. Now his weight is more forward so my legs are freer but it's even harder to breathe. I try to knee him in the back but there's no leverage or balance. It doesn't take long before I realize that fighting him like this isn't going to get me anywhere so I stop. He stays on me keeping the grip on my wrists while he gets more comfortable on top of me. He's laid on me a hundred times but it's never felt this suffocating. 

"That's right, Ray, relax. You know I won't hurt you." 

That's a laugh. I stopped knowing that yesterday. I don't say anything while I get my breath back. 

"Being away made me realize how rarely you show respect to me, Ray. All I want is to rectify that." 

My mind is screaming but I stay quiet, simmering to myself. I don't have a clue to what he's talking about but I am rapidly deciding he's slipped his nut. I can also feel his cock hardening against my abdomen. 

"Now, we have rules, Ray and as long as we both follow them, then we can be happy together just like we were. That's what we want, isn't it?" 

I can't answer over the rock in my throat. 

"Isn't it?" He asks again more insistently. 

"Yeah...sure," I push out. 

"Then all you have to do is keep our...issues...between us, let me guide you in our day to day life and stop questioning everything I do. Can you do that for me?" 

"I...I need you to do something for me first." 

He sighs before he looks towards the closed bedroom door. I follow his eyes as best I can and wish I hadn't shut that because I could really use some Dief-style backup right now. He looks back at me but there's nothing of Fraser in his face. 

"All right," he says finally but he doesn't ease up his grip at all. "What do you want?" 

"I want you to look at me and look at you for a second. Just take a good, hard look at what we're doing." 

That's about it for the air supply so I'm really hoping I got through. Please, please, please, hear what I'm saying; see what I'm seeing. 

He takes a moment to look around us. He looks down at me, probably turning blue by now, at his grip on my arms that's going to leave remarkable bruises, at the closed door where I can hear Dief sniffing. 

"This is a bit unusual," he says but doesn't loosen his grip or ease off my chest. 

"Yeah," I agree. 

"You're more accustomed to an equal relationship, I suppose." 

He seems to think about that while I try to stay focused even though things are getting gray around the edges. I don't know what he wants me to say now or even if I could say anything. 

"Understood." 

Just as abruptly as he threw me down he gets off. I suck air in until I'm coughing with the effort and turn over on to my side to keep from choking. Fraser steps around me and opens the door. I feel Dief's nose against my cheek while he sniffs at me. He whines but I don't know if he's chewing out Fraser or expressing sympathy for me or maybe he just wants a snack. 

"I'll prepare dinner," Fraser says like it's normal to have me wheezing on the floor with throbbing wrists and a headache from lack of oxygen. 

Dief whines again as I get myself to my knees and then use the bed to get to my feet. 

"I know," I tell him. And I do. I just don't know what to do about it. 

I sit on the bed for a few minutes while I try to decide what to do next. What do you do when your lover goes nuts? 

I can't pull a gun on Fraser. I can't call the cops either. If I call Vecchio, I'll get more psychobabble because he can't imagine that Fraser would do anything bad. I can't call an ambulance because there's no way to explain this to anybody and get them to help. And I don't want to hurt him or his career by doing that anyway. 

He's in the kitchen when I come out. He waves an oven mitt at me. 

"Dinner will just be a moment." 

I must have been thinking longer than I thought, a lot longer from the looks of the bruises coming up on my wrists. 

"What're we having?" I sound stupid to myself. 

"Lemon chicken and baked potatoes with green beans." 

"Sounds good." 

I wonder if he can hear the huskiness in my voice. My throat feels like sandpaper. 

"Are you feeling all right, Ray? You sound hoarse." 

"I was having trouble breathing before." 

"Oh. Yes, I suppose that would be expected. Well, fear not, you'll likely feel better in the morning." 

"Probably." 

"You know, Ray, I was thinking, I liked the way you felt beneath me before. You probably noticed my interest." 

"No." I'm lying but I have to because it's making me sick thinking about it. 

"I'd like to try tying you up tonight for sex. It'll be an interesting experiment. I think it'll be most exciting." 

"No, Fraser." 

My heart is thudding relentlessly. 

"No?" 

"No, absolutely not. No way in hell. Not in this lifetime. That's not happening for any reason." 

"Well, we'll discuss it later. Are you ready to eat?" 

I bark out a laugh at the absurdity of all this. It sounds too close to hysterical so I grab my jacket off the back of a chair. 

"I'm not hungry," I tell him. "I'm going for a walk." 

"Don't be gone long." 

Dief doesn't wait to be asked. He follows me out the door. I can't breathe while I crouch in the corner of the square box, both arms folded around my middle. Dief keeps nudging me in concern but I can't reach out to him. If I let go of myself I'm going to fly apart. 

* * *

I didn't go home last night. Dief and I camped out at a Motel 6 where he roamed around restlessly and I fought my battles in my head. Awful, vivid dreams kept thrusting me violently out of sleep so by morning, I feel like crap. 

I don't have clean clothes but at least I have a shower so I scrub off and head into work, taking Dief with me. I can't leave him at the hotel and if I take him home, Fraser will have him on the first plane out of the city. When people ask about Fraser I'll just tell them he's entertaining some bigwigs at the Consulate. 

I'm hoping nobody asks about the purple rings around my wrists. I can wear my jacket in the office, it's always cold in there anyway and I'm not going to be in the station most of the day. 

I'm trying real hard not to think too much because I still don't know what to do. If I take official action, I'll ruin his career. If I don't do anything then I could be letting a dangerous cop on the streets. Except this is Fraser. And despite everything, I can't believe he's a loose cannon. 

Plus there's Fraser and me. A few bad days don't mean I don't love him. I know there's got to be something wrong with him. But what? And how do I fix it? Maybe it'll fix itself. That's possible. 

Yeah, right. And the abject evil he's been flashing out of those stormy grays is my imagination. 

Luckily there're only a few people around the station before I'm ready to go to work. Even Welsh is out for some breakfast meeting with the Chief of Police. Frannie is the only one that stops me for more than a minute and that's just to remind me to eat. She tells me I look like I'm ready to pass out again. 

I get to my car feeling relieved and determined to get some work done and get a plan of action for Fraser. Maybe I should just kidnap him and force him to see a shrink. 

My first interview takes longer than I wanted it to. But you can't rush an 80-year old widow when she's talking about her loser grandson. It took almost a whole box of Kleenex and two pots of coffee before I felt like I could leave her alone. 

It's near eleven by the time I leave her dingy apartment so I decide to take Frannie's advice and get some food. Dief agrees wholeheartedly with my decision. And he earned lunch by letting the old lady coddle him. I don't usually eat at Manny's more than once a week but his food is reasonable and plentiful and he doesn't mind Dief hanging with me. 

I park in the station parking lot so we can walk across the street. After lunch we have to go up to the bullpen to get an address off my desk. The traffic is heavy enough that we go the extra half block to cross at the light. I don't bother usually but I don't want Dief to get hit. 

The air is cold but not freezing so it's a nice short walk for us. I open the door to let Dief in first and stop short when I see the couple from yesterday standing there. The woman is handing money to Manny but she looks around when she hears the door. We make eye contact this time and there's no mistaking that she's alarmed to see me again. 

The guy shrugs at her then leads the procession towards me while I shake loose in case I need to draw my gun in a hurry. 

"It's all right, Detective Kowalski, we just want to talk to you," the woman says. So, okay, she is a cop because nobody else would've noticed me getting ready. Dief doesn't care what she is since she's female. He sniffs at her at sits down looking needy. She shows him her hand and then pats his head. 

"How do you know I'm a cop?" I ask. 

"We've been observing you for a couple of days," the man says. 

"For what?" Now, I'm getting creeped out. 

"Everything all right, Ray?" Manny asks and I can see him coming from behind the counter. 

"We just want to talk to you," the man says all earnest like he needs me to believe him. 

"I don't know yet, hang loose, okay?" I tell Manny. He nods and goes back behind the counter to watch us. 

"Maybe we could sit down," the woman says. 

The man nods towards a table to sort of back up his companion. 

"How about you tell me what's going on first, then we can get chummy." 

"It's about Constable Fraser. I'm Doctor Daniel Jackson and this is Major Samantha Carter with the Air Force." 

I ignore the titles and the weight Jackson thought it would carry. 

"What does the Air Force know about Fraser?" 

"We'd like to discuss that with you but we'd rather not do it standing in the middle of the room. It is important." Jackson says. 

Okay, they won't talk to me unless we're sitting. I can do sitting. 

"Fine, over here." 

"Thank you," Jackson says. 

"Your sandwiches are up," Manny says. "You want anything, Ray?" 

"Not right now." 

Carter retrieves their food off the counter. I watch her to make sure she doesn't try anything since right now, all I have is their word and Fraser's name. 

"You sure everything is okay?" Manny asks me as soon as Carter gets back to the table. 

"I think so but keep your eyes open." 

Carter hands Jackson his sandwich. Jackson rips into it like he hasn't seen food in a week. He notices me noticing. 

"Oh, sorry," he says, "We didn't have time for breakfast. Would you like something?" 

"Not right now." 

Their lunch should smell good but the aroma is making me nauseous. Dief isn't having any problems though while Carter slips him some roast beef off her roll. 

Jackson leans forward on the table scowling when he gets somebody's leftover mustard on his sleeve. While he's pulling napkins out of the dispenser, he says, 

"We think Constable Fraser may be working with a friend of ours. Our friend has been missing and we'd like very much to find him." 

"How long has your friend been gone?" 

"Almost two weeks." 

Okay. Fraser was missing. Now he's back. But he was gone while their guy was gone and that's a big coincidence. 

"Has Constable Fraser introduced you to anyone? Or...or had someone hanging around that you don't know?" Jackson asks. 

"Nobody." 

"We're very concerned about our friend," Carter says. "Has the Constable spoken to you about anyone new. Maybe someone you haven't met yet." 

"Why are you worried? And why would Fraser know about him?" 

Jackson looks at Carter who shrugs at him. "We're worried because he was sick when he disappeared," he says. 

"Like the flu?" 

"No, not like the flu." 

"The problem, Detective, is that it isn't the flu but it is contagious. We have a vaccine but we have to find him to give it to him," Carter says. 

"How contagious?" I think a second. "How dangerous is this?" 

"The...contagion is completely curable," Carter says. "And it's not easily transferred. We're not concerned on that level but we would like to find him since the...virus is making him ill." 

I hold up my hands. 

"Okay, just wait a minute," I say. "I'm sorry about your friend. You should file a missing persons if you haven't already. And I can recommend a P.I. if that's what you need. But, tell me what this has to do with Fraser." 

"Constable Fraser and our friend know each other and we think he may have come here to contact him." 

"What's your friend's name?" 

"Jack O'Neill," Jackson says. 

I shake my head. The name doesn't mean anything to me. If he and Fraser are buddies, I'd be real surprised. 

"Let me ask you something else," Jackson says. "Has Constable Fraser been acting out of character? Have you seen any sort of extreme behavior?" 

"He's Canadian. He's been acting strange since we met." 

Jackson smiles at that. "Yes, but...has there been anything more than what you're used to?" 

I hold my breath for a second just to calm down and decide that I am not answering to these two. They're strangers and I've never trusted government types anyway. And if this Carter chick is really Air Force, then where's her uniform? 

"Why would you ask that?" 

"Then he hasn't been himself, has he, Detective?" Carter asks. 

"I'm done talking to you two." 

I get up and shove my chair back. Diefenbaker follows my lead. Jackson and Carter jump up too but I can see the different reasons. Jackson wants to reason with me while Carter is afraid I'm gonna start swinging. I turn my back on the both of them and head out the door with Dief at my heel. Jackson catches me with a hand on my arm. 

"Please, we can help, but you have to tell us the truth." 

I shove him off me without thinking. He stumbles backward into Carter who catches him like she's been trained in the job. He outweighs her though and the stumble back a couple of steps and that gives me time to get out the door. 

For a second I feel guilty for knocking around a civilian. Then Carter is out the door and grabbing my arm. Dief growls at her and starts shoving his way in between us. 

"Please call him off," Carter says, looking worried. 

"Let go of me." I could probably shake loose but I think Dief might take that for aggression and if Carter is military then Dief could find himself on the wrong end of a needle if he bites her. 

Carter sees the situation too and lets go. 

"We aren't finished," she says. "Why don't you stop acting like a five year old and tell us what's really going on." 

"You first," I say before I start to cross the street. I don't bother going down to the light. Dief is smart enough not to get hit. 

"Understand me, Detective, we'd like your cooperation but we don't need it." 

That stops me. Which turns out to be a bad thing because it doesn't stop the car that's heading towards me. I hear the horn and turn just in time to get walloped. I don't know if I actually take flight but when I do stop moving, my hip is throbbing in counterpoint to the absolute numbness in my leg. 

I try to get up right away but there're hands keeping me down and telling me to relax and a cold nose in my ear. I guess I was right about the wolf being too smart to get hit. 

"He came out of nowhere," some guy says, must be the driver. I don't know which accident he was in but I was standing dead center in the street for seconds before he hit me. I did not dart out of nowhere. 

"Do you need a doctor?" Jackson asks me, his face full of concern. It strikes me that he's probably a nice guy when he's not playing hide the truth. 

"Thought you were a doctor." 

"Of Archeology," he says with an embarrassed smile. It's a nice smile. Like I said, committed, not dead. 

"Just help me get out of the street, will ya? Nothing's broken and I don't think I'm bleeding." 

"You should wait for an ambulance," Carter says. 

"I don't need an ambulance. You gonna help me up or not?" 

Jackson and Carter lift me up, which doesn't make my leg happy but what choice do I have if I don't want to lay in the street. It kind of reminds me of Vecchio and his brother-in-law hauling me around. That does not make me feel any better. They set me down next to Manny's with my back against the wall while I wait for the feeling to come back into my leg, which it's doing with a vengeance. Next thing I know I have a uniform cop and Manny standing over me. 

"You all right, Kowalski? You want Fire out here?" 

"No, thanks, Dombrowski. It's just gonna be a big bruise." 

"You sure? I saw it from the parking lot and you got hit pretty hard." 

"I'm sure, just get the statement from the driver, will ya?" 

Dombrowski pats my shoulder and heads over to where his partner is questioning the driver. I watch Williams point out a couple standing a few yards away and figure they must be witnesses because Dombrowski goes over to them next. Manny kneels down beside me. 

"They push you?" He asks, nodding towards Jackson and Carter. 

Both of them get wide-eyed for a second but I shake my head. 

"No, it was just an accident. Thanks for watching though." 

He nods at me, pats my shoulder and goes back inside his restaurant. 

Jackson crouches down next to me. "You sure you don't want a doctor?" 

"Yeah, maybe I do. You got somebody with a music degree hanging around?" 

He laughs which makes me sorry again that I shoved him. 

"Major Carter's got a doctorate in astrophysics," he says. 

We get quiet while the cops finish their routine and I rub at the pain in my leg. 

"I don't want Fraser to go away," I tell him in a voice barely above a whisper. I don't know why I say that out loud. 

He puts a hand on my shoulder meeting my eyes with his own. "No one wants that. But we have to make sure he's okay." 

"And you have to find your friend." 

"He's just as important to me as Fraser is to you," he says. 

I get that right away. He's telling me without saying it. 

"He hasn't been himself, has he?" 

"You could say that." 

I shake my head. Admitting to it makes me tired. And sad. Jackson takes off his jacket and drapes it over my lap before he sits next to me. 

"I don't want you going into shock." 

Carter is with Dombrowski and Williams. She's making hand motions like she's explaining her version of the accident. 

"You and O'Neill, you don't get any flack from the Air Force?" I ask Jackson. 

He ducks his head and a little before he looks at me over the top of his glasses. 

"Don't ask, don't tell," he answers. "It's not an issue for me anyway since I'm a civilian. Jack has more at risk since he's a colonel. Plus, we argue constantly, we almost never have a civil conversation at the base. Who would think we're together?" 

"Huh," I say, mulling that over. "Me and Fraser don't fight that much. We don't agree on how to handle our cases a lot but that's just business." 

He nods and looks over at Carter with a real smile before he looks back at me. 

"She'd write the reports for them if she could," he commented. "So, are you ready to tell me about Constable Fraser?" 

I push the air out of my lungs and rub my leg hoping the ease some of the throbbing. 

"Let's finish up here first. Then we can go into Manny's or someplace else and talk. I want to know what you know and I gotta tell my lieutenant about the accident. You want to help me up?" 

Jackson scrambles to his feet, then he gives me a hand, steadying me when my leg protests. I have to admit, the pain isn't as bad as I expected so I'm hoping the bruise won't be either. 

I hobble over to the street to have a quick conversation with Dombrowski and Williams. They assure me they'll put the report together. The driver that hit me looks like he's going to faint when he finds out I'm a cop. I let him stay worried. The idiot almost killed me. I cross the street on my own power but Jackson and Carter keep a close eye. Dief follows along too, mostly flirting with Carter. Apparently, he's forgiven her for grabbing me earlier. 

The two of them come with me into the bullpen where Welsh spots me and curses as he comes around his desk and out of his office. Frannie is all over me but she's eyeing Daniel Jackson while she's doing it. Only Frannie could flirt and play Florence Nightingale at the same time. The other detectives in the room stand back to watch the show. 

I spend the next twenty minutes explaining that I'm an idiot and that's how I got hit before I can get Welsh into his office alone. Once we're in there, I tell him that Jackson and Carter are with the Air Force and they know something about Fraser's disappearance. He doesn't want me to go with them but I insist and he finally gives in. 

As we're coming back out, we watch Frannie hand Jackson her new business card. She bought them herself with Welsh's okay because she said people respect her more if she has a business card. 

"You should go to the hospital, Kowalski," Welsh says. 

"It's a bruise, sir. I'm not going to any hospital over a bruise." 

"God, men have more testosterone than sense," Frannie said. "You got hit by a car, Ray. Lots of people see doctors when they get hit by cars." 

"Jackson is a doctor." 

"Really," she purrs. "Don't lose that card, Doctor Jackson." She emphasizes the doctor and he smiles at her with an expression that mirrors the way Fraser used to look at her. 

Welsh just shakes his head because he heard the part about Archeology and Frannie obviously didn't. 

"Okay, that's enough," Carter says. "We should get you home." 

I'm still limping but the more I move, the more I can move. Jackson and Carter follow me down the hall and back into the parking lot. 

"Where do you want to go?" Jackson asks. 

"Home," I say. "Fraser is at the Consulate so we'll have plenty of privacy to talk about all this." 

"I'll drive," I say just as Carter says the same thing. 

"Is your car an automatic or a stick shift?" Jackson asks reasonably. 

"Stick." 

"Then you have a clutch. Sam should drive, shouldn't she?" 

Damn. 

"And it might be easier if I followed in your car." 

Double damn. 

"Hey, nobody drives my car but me. My dad and I practically built it from the ground up. We painted it half a dozen times just to get the color right." 

"It's a car, Detective. Give him the keys or we're just gonna have to come all the way back here to get it," Carter says. 

I stop and look at Carter. She has the grace to look embarrassed about trying to give me orders. 

"It would make more sense for Daniel to follow us," she says more softly. 

"I'm not in the army, Major and I don't respond real well to authority." 

"I'm not in the army either," she counters. "Now, are you gonna make us come back here and pick up a car you probably can't drive or are you just going to give up the keys?" 

"Make you come back," I tell her just to be difficult. She rolls her eyes and waits. I take my keys out and hand them over to Jackson. 

"But, I'm riding with him." 

"Fine," she says. "I'll follow you." 

I limp over to my car and soon Jackson is unlocking my side first and letting me in. Dief jumps in the backseat then I get in the front. It's a relief to get off my leg again. Jackson fiddles around outside for a moment before he slides in behind the wheel. 

"Which side is the clutch?" He asks while Dief licks his ear. He reaches back and pats him on the head. 

"That's it. There is no way you are going to..." 

"Kidding, Ray, relax." He laughs as he starts the engine. Funny guy. 

"I knew that," I say. 

We both look over when Carter taps on the driver's side window. Jackson rolls down the glass. 

"General Hammond just called. They have some new information about the, uh, virus and he wants me on conference with Janet." 

"We can't just go back to the base, Sam. He's here, I know he is." 

"I know that. I think so too. But I have to take this call before we go any further." 

"Why don't you go do that and then meet us at Ray's apartment as soon as you can." He turns to me. "When will Fraser come home from the Consulate?" 

"He gets off at 5:30." 

"See, it's perfect, Sam. It's only 3:45 now so you can go get the information and do whatever military thing you need to do while I talk to Ray. Then you can meet us at the apartment in time for both of us to speak with Fraser." 

She thinks about this for a moment. I can practically see her weighing and measuring the idea. And honestly, it scares me. What's got her so worried that she can't leave Daniel alone with me? 

"Do not confront Constable Fraser without me. Or the Colonel. Do you hear me, Daniel?" 

"I hear you, Sam." 

"I'm serious." 

"I know that." 

She nods and walks away. It doesn't escape me that she didn't ask for my address or directions. If she's going to meet us, how is she going to find us? 

We pull out of the parking lot slower than I like but there's no jerking motion or grinding gears. I'll take that as a positive and try to relax. My leg and hip are really throbbing so there's not much more I can do anyway. 

"You don't have to worry about Fraser," I say after a few moments. "Even if he is acting a little off, he's still him, right? He's not some serial killer." 

Daniel meets that comment with silence and I feel a chill go down my spine. 

"What aren't you telling me?" 

"We can talk more when we get to your apartment," he says and I do not feel better. 

"Are you guys always cryptic about everything?" 

He takes his eyes off the road long enough to look at me. There's an apology there but then he goes back to driving. I'm not sure I want to know what he has to say anymore so I lean back only talking to him enough to give him directions. I can tell he already knows the way. He's being pretty subtle about it but he's getting ready for the turns before I tell him where they are. Obviously they've been following me. 

We get there in good time since it's still too early for the traffic to really get started. I tell him that I'll go up first and then wave at him from the window if it's clear. He says that's not necessary and I'll probably need help anyway. I just shrug at him because even if Fraser is home, I know this guy isn't in danger. 

I get out slower than usual and almost fall over while I'm trying to not to show how much my leg hurts. Daniel leaps out but he was going to be too late anyway. I get steady before he reaches me, which is a good thing because Dief doesn't wait for me to pull the seat up. He leaps over and then out, nearly knocking me over again. This time I use Daniel as a crutch while he suggests I go to the hospital. 

"Let it go," I snarl at him before I start hobbling my way into the building. 

While we wait for the elevator, I keep thinking back to what Vecchio said. Maybe I shouldn't be telling these guys that Fraser is whacked when he's probably just stressed out. What if they do something to him and it's my fault? 

We get into the elevator with Dief happily wagging his tail. I think he's glad we don't have to take the stairs. I notice Daniel is watching me as if I'm going to pass out or collapse any second. 

He's making me nervous. And it doesn't help that I keep having this really bad feeling that he's going to be the bad guy and I'm going to hurt Fraser somehow. 

The Pac man in my stomach starts grinding with a vengeance. 

"We'll get it sorted it out," he says as if he's reading my mind. 

We reach the door and I shove my key in and push it open. I take a step back because Fraser is standing in the living room. He's surprised too. 

"I'm sorry, Ray," Fraser says just before something grabs me from behind. 

* * *

It takes about half a second for me to react but there's not much of a struggle. Whoever has me has the advantage and there's real strength in him too. He jerks me still, twisting my leg in the process, then just sort of tosses me to one side. I stumble a lot further than I would've expected and end up on my ass in the far corner of the living room. 

I look up in time to see Fraser spray Diefenbaker with mace. Dief stops growling and backs up, whimpering. Fraser turns back to me with the mace. Another guy is with Daniel. He has him pushed into the wall while he puts handcuffs on him. 

"Don't do this, Jack," he says. 

The other man doesn't answer. He shoves Daniel on to the floor next to me. 

Dief growls again and Fraser sprays him a second time. 

"Stop that," I yell while Dief curls up whimpering and rubbing the insides of his paws against his eyes. Fraser puts the mace in his pocket. He picks up Dief, wraps a hand around his muzzle and takes him into the bedroom where he shuts the door. 

My eyes are watering from the pain shooting up my leg so I wipe at the moisture and try to get in a more comfortable position. 

"You didn't have to do that," I say. 

"It seemed a better solution than shooting him," Fraser answers. 

"I can do that if you want," the other man says. He's got a gun in his hand that I recognize as Fraser's service revolver. 

It takes me a second to recognize the other man. But when I do, I almost slap myself on the forehead. Of course, it's Jack. The guy standing outside the hospital the night I picked up Fraser. When Daniel asked me about any new people, I never even thought about that guy. 

I glare at him to let him know that I'm down but I'm not out and there's no way I'll let him hurt Dief. Then I look at Daniel who is pressing up against the nearest wall looking stunned. His glasses are all crooked on his face and his arms are bunched up from the cuffs. 

"You all right?" I ask him while I straighten out his glasses. 

"Yeah...I'm fine." His answer is clipped and he's looking past me. I turn enough to follow his gaze. 

He's looking at Jack, his Jack, the guy that just tossed me and trussed him up. Jack looks at us too. His expression sends a shiver right through me. 

He's good looking with graying hair and brown eyes. His body is solid. He's a good ten years older than Daniel but he's not old, maybe 45 or so. 

"This is Jack O'Neill," Fraser tells me. "He and I are going to be leaving town shortly." 

"More than just town," O'Neill says like it's an inside joke. "Now, that you're here, Daniel, it'll be a lot easier. 

"Everyone knows you've been compromised, Jack. There's no way that either of us is going to get back on base." 

"Never say never, Daniel. You're always so negative." 

"We know what you are and we want to help you go home," Daniel says. "You don't have to do all this." 

"We're not going home," Jack says. "We left home for a reason." 

"All right, fine. You don't have to go home. But you can't take over the lives of these people. So why don't we compromise on another solution?" 

"We have another solution." 

O'Neill plops down on my sofa. Fraser looks from him to me. 

"We've agreed that since you came home early then you can come with us. What's one more? I'm certain Dr. Jackson can get us all in." 

"Get in where?" I ask. 

"First we go to the SG headquarters and then to a nice place, Ray, I assure you. We've already decided on a destination even if we're not entirely certain of our welcome." 

"We'll blend," Jack says and looks pleased with himself. 

"You're just going to move into another population?" Daniel asks. "Wouldn't that mean taking over more people? From what we've learned you have to move from one being to another pretty often." 

"That's right," Jack answers. "We can't stay in one place for long." 

"Can you stay in your natural form without harm?" 

"Why would we do that? It's a lot more interesting to live the lives of others, Danny boy." 

"What the fuck is this, Fraser?" I ask, circumventing the twenty questions game. 

"Colonel O'Neill has secured the appropriate coordinates. Now, all we need to do is attain transportation to Colorado." 

"Colorado? What the hell? Talk to me, Fraser." 

"You go wherever I go. That's a concept you should grow used to. Despite your occasional willfulness, I've grown fond of you." Fraser says. 

"So, you'll have a place to move into once you're done with the Constable?" Daniel asks. 

"No. I like him the way he is. I'll find whatever accommodations I can but he'll remain unchanged." 

None of this is making sense to me. All I know for sure is that I'm not going anywhere with Non-Fraser or his pal. I figure I just have to stall until Carter gets here. She said she's got a vaccine for this so I'll just wait for her to show so we can give it to him. 

"I got hit by a car," I tell him, hoping he'll figure he can't drag me around on one leg. 

"Yes, I can see you're injured." 

"Yeah, well, throwing me around didn't help either." 

"No, I imagine not. But, you'll heal. So for now I'd like you to keep quiet and wait for a bit. We won't be much longer." 

Well, that didn't work. 

"You can't take Detective Kowalski with you," Daniel says. "And you can't gain access to another home from Colorado." 

"The Stargate, Dr. Jackson. We'll all be able to access anything from the Stargate." 

"I'm not going anywhere," I tell them, just skipping over the whole Stargate thing and trying a different tack. 

"Don't worry, Kowalski, Daniel will get us in. He's a genius," Jack says. 

There're lots of things going on here that I can't explain right now. Lots. But, I can't think about all that. Whatever the virus is, it's made Jack O'Neill a psycho and he's infected Fraser too. I have to admit I'm kind of relieved. At least if they have a vaccine, then my Fraser is coming back. Unless the vaccine has a time limit or it makes him a vegetable or it doesn't reverse what's already wrong with his head. 

Shit. 

Fraser starts talking real softly to Jack. I can't hear the words but they're distracted so I look at Daniel and nod towards the bedroom where they locked up Dief. I figure we need to let him out because whatever this is, we need backup. With one civilian hostage and me with my banged up leg, I don't think we're gonna take these guys even if we could get off the floor and on them before they got wise. Daniel nods his agreement. I get about halfway to the door when O'Neill spots me. He lands all over me in a blink. 

He slams me down to the ground and I yell out when my bad leg hits. My eyes are watering again while I fight back the dark spots jumping around in my vision. I can hear more than see the commotion going on in Daniel's direction. I'm only partly aware of my arms being pulled behind me. But I feel the handcuffs, probably my own, being snapped and then being dragged across the floor. Dief is slamming himself into the door again and I want to tell him to stop before he hurts himself but right now, breathing is about all I'm good for. 

Fraser has Daniel pulled to the other side of the room so he's near the desk. His glasses are gone so he's squinting in my direction. 

The spots start fading and my leg trades screaming for more like a throb instead. Jack only moved me a few feet further from the bedroom door. I manage to get enough breath in my lungs to yell to Dief. I know he's supposed to be deaf but I've always thought he's selective about that. He does start to settle down after a minute or two but he keeps sniffing and scratching on the wood door. 

I'm surprised when Fraser crouches down in front of me. 

"You'll be safer this way," he says and I guess he means tied up and tossed in a corner. 

"You need to stop doing this." 

He just smiles at me but there's no life in the expression. He pats my shoulder and stands up to return Jack. 

"I'm not going anywhere with you," I yell to him but he ignores me. 

"Neither am I," Daniel says. 

Jack glares at both of us. Fraser touches his arm to get his attention again and they huddle down for more private conversation. 

"He'll be fine," Fraser says, sounding mad. "Once we get through the gate, I'm certain he'll settle down. It's not like you're leaving Dr. Jackson." 

"We need him," Jack says. "We can get you a toy later." 

Oh, that's flattering, I think. 

I start scrambling backward slowly. Forget my leg, forget everything, I want out of here and Dief is the only one who can help me right now. Daniel is sporting a red blotch on his cheek. He looks like he's thinking things through but right now, I need to do something and the only thing I can think of is Dief. Daniel is probably waiting for Carter and I'm not counting her out but she might not make it before they decide to bug out. 

I'm still pushing backward until my back hits the edge of my bookshelf. Both of them look at me and all I can do is maneuver around it so I'm tucked into the tightest corner I can find. 

"I can't wait to get you away from here." He sounds so damn reasonable but so dangerous, I feel sick. 

"Wake me up, Fraser. This can't be you." 

"You're not sleeping, Ray." 

"I have to be." 

"You'll feel better after we've had a chance to talk. Rules and organization, that's the key, Ray." 

Fraser goes in the kitchen where he starts ransacking the cupboards for supplies, while Jack watches me and Daniel. I start replaying the afternoon in my head. I know all the clues are here. The virus, the leaving town that's some kind of a joke, the access to wherever we're going located on an air base, the Stargate, the taking over other people and having to switch bodies. 

No. 

Yes. 

That is what Daniel asked them. 

Oh, come on, that's movie time and popcorn. 

That's a weird-ass dream. 

"You're just going to move into another population?" Daniel asks. "Wouldn't that mean taking over more people? From what we've learned you have to move from one being to another pretty often." 

That's what Daniel said. 

That's crazy. 

That's fucking pod people. 

Shit. 

All of this discovery means I'm not really paying attention to what's going on around me. It surprises me when I blink a couple of times and find Jack standing over me with his hands on his hips. I'm sort of stuck, tied up like this in the corner so the best I can do is shift away a little. He sticks his foot against the inside of my knee and rubs back and forth a couple of times. After about the third time, I jerk away as best I can and yell at him. 

"Knock it off," Daniel says from his corner. The combination gets Fraser's attention. 

He comes out of the kitchen, looks at me, then Daniel, then at Jack with a frown. 

"I would rather that you didn't bother him." 

"I just wanted to see how they compare," Jack says. "You never know when we might have to share." 

"If you take care of Dr. Jackson, that shouldn't be an issue," Fraser says before he returns to the kitchen. 

I have to put my new discovery in the back of my head. I admit to myself that this virus, isn't a virus. It's something alive and it makes decisions. And it's taken over Fraser and Jack O'Neill. 

I don't have much time to think about that before O'Neill clocks Daniel hard in the head, dazing him, and then comes back over and starts playing with my leg again. This time his foot is going between my knees and heading for regions he's not getting. I kick out at him with my good leg and yell again and he twists his foot. He presses against the inside knee of my bad leg until he forces me over on to my side. It's happens pretty quick and I yell out when the pain shoots up from my knee. 

Fraser is fast too though and Jack is slammed face first into the wall before I even realize he's in the room. I don't know why he's jumping in for the defense considering what he's done to me in the last day or so but right now, I'll take the help I can get. But Jack is no slouch in the fighting back department and the tables turn fast with Fraser jammed hard with his back to the wall. 

"What is wrong with you?" Jack asks, obviously furious. 

"I told you to leave him alone." 

"So what. Who put you in charge?" 

Fraser sputters out something that sounds like gibberish and Jack comes back with some similar string of noise. They glare at each other for a few seconds. Then, like nothing just happened they break apart. Fraser goes back in the kitchen and Jack flops back down on the couch. 

Another few seconds pass before I take a look over in Daniel's direction. He's eyes look focused enough and mostly he just looks irritated. I'm not sure if he's more mad about getting bonked on the head or having his lover make moves towards me. I know what would piss me off the most. 

"You okay?" I ask him. 

"Fine," he growls back. 

"They're both gonna be trouble," Jack yells out. "We can't keep them tied up all the time." 

"We won't have to. Dr. Jackson will cooperate because he won't want to see any of the locals hurt. And Ray will be entirely dependent once we're through the gate. Out of his element, he's quite helpless." 

That's flattering. 

"It's not gonna be an issue since I'm not going with you," I interrupt. 

Fraser comes out of the kitchen. Whatever resemblance he has to my Fraser is gone now. I guess if you took a picture it might be hard to tell but there's nothing in his eyes or the way he's standing that looks like the person that I know. 

"You know, Ray, I thought you were brighter than this. My companion wants a new home and the idea of starting over appeals to me. But, I'd also like to stay with you. I'm just making arrangements so you can come with me." 

"But, you're not real. You're a pod person. A...a shape shifter guy...a..." 

"That's not true." 

"He's a parasite, Ray," Daniel says. "About the size of a gnat to start with and then he grows to maybe the size of a grape. It takes about four days to get full sized once they're ingrained into the brain. On the first day, he hides in the folds of the brain and he looks like a spot on the x-ray. Unless you take a shot every day, you'd think it was a machine error. But by the fourth day, you'd be thinking tumor." 

"That's enough, Daniel," Jack says. "You'll scare him." 

"They enter through the ear passage. The victim isn't even aware except for maybe an itching sensation. And then there's nothing except for a gradual change in temperament. Because they may be small but they're selfish, Ray. They hitch rides in more powerful life forms so they can experience things they couldn't have otherwise. And when their hijacked body starts to reject them, they exit for better digs. If they leave before the rejection process begins..." 

"Daniel, you talk too much," Jack says dangerously. 

"...then the host body recovers. But if they stay until rejection starts then the host gets permanent brain damage." 

Jack doesn't bother to get up. He leans over the couch, aims Fraser's revolver at Daniel and tells him to shut up. 

"You're not going to shoot me. You need me to get back on base, right?" Daniel's voice is even. He looks worried but kind of smug at the same time. 

"What if we just go to the front gate and switch bodies with the guard on duty. We're very fast, Daniel. We wouldn't need you then, would we?" 

Daniel's expression doesn't change but his face goes a little pale. 

"I really am dreaming," I say, drawing attention away from Daniel. "You're talking about aliens and I know it's the only explanation that makes sense but it's also the only one that can't be true." 

"Let's not kill him," Fraser says, meaning Daniel. "He's still our best hope of reaching the Stargate and I know you want to keep him for awhile longer." 

Jack turns back around and relaxes with the gun in his hand beside him. 

"That's true. But he does talk a lot and he doesn't take orders." 

At least I know why Fraser disappeared. Jack O'Neill must have taken him and infected him but if it takes a few days for the little bugger to take over, they would've needed some down time. But... 

"Hey," I say. "How'd you infect Fraser if you're a little gnat like alien guy. There's obviously two of you." 

"We both entered Colonel O'Neill on the planet...which planet was that?" Fraser asks Jack. 

"I don't know. Some ugly place with too many trees." 

"Yes, well, it wasn't ugly in my opinion but at any rate, we both entered Colonel O'Neill and then we hid. As soon as Colonel O'Neill was allowed to leave the base, we started looking for a suitable host for me." 

"Why'd you go all the way from Colorado to Illinois?" Daniel asks. 

"We were enjoying the drive. And we both like this mind," Jack answers. "It's very complex. But eventually, we needed another...host." 

"Why'd you pick Fraser?" I ask. 

"He was there. He was alone. He was attractive to this mind. We decided fast and we took him fast. Then it worked out so well because after the incubation period I was able to stay in comfort at the Consulate. Since I knew that Daniel and his friends would come looking for me, it was a perfect place to hide out." 

"This is crazy, " I say. 

"You get used to it," Daniel says. 

"The part you have to remember, Ray," Fraser says. "Is that you belong to me. That's not negotiable. I'll look after you but you are mine." 

"I'm not yours. I'm mine." 

"You've said you belong to him. I see that in his mind." 

I am shaking my head furiously. 

"Not like that. I gave myself to Fraser because I love him. It's like...like an expression or a...a figure of speech. It's not ownership; it's commitment. It's like...symbolic. He's committed to me too but if one of us changes our mind and wants to go, then we don't stop each other. It's not property." 

"But I'm not him and I'm not willing to let you go." 

"I get you, Daniel. Just like he said. 

"Then your race practices some sort of slavery?" Daniel asks, like it's a reasonable question. 

"Of course not. We practice order. Individuals have a function, a position, some are simply of higher rank. As an outsider Ray is of very low rank. But as my consort, he'll serve an important function and be well cared for." 

"Like a pet?" I ask. 

"That's a good analogy, Ray. Think of yourself as my Diefenbaker." 

The knot I've been carrying in my gut squeezes tighter and I can't catch a decent breath. I can't remember being this scared before. It's all just laying out in my head like some big nightmare. 

"I'm not going with you," I tell him. And I'm not, I'll do anything to keep this from happening. I want to be with Fraser but if what Daniel says is true, then that's not going to happen if we leave this planet. 

Leave this planet? Sheesh. 

He cocks his head in a motion that looks nothing like my Fraser. I can see the alien in him now and it's so obvious, I can't believe I missed it before. 

"I don't understand your refusal. You've loved me for the last few days. Why can't you keep on loving me?" 

"You're wrong. You're not my Fraser. I thought you were him but you're not. You're not like him, do you understand that? You're nothing like him." 

"Now, Ray, that's just silly. I have his mind. I'm just like him." 

"Do not say that." 

"You haven't known, haven't even suspected for two days. Clearly, I am not so different." 

I kick out at him, throwing my whole self into it, which just lands me flat on my back. 

"You're nothing like him," I say while I try to get myself back up again. "Nothing." 

He just stands over me, looking at me like I'm a bug pinned to a bug board. He cocks his head again, first to one side and then to the other. 

I'm still struggling to get seated again so I can at least look like I have some control when Fraser comes back and crouches in front of me again. 

"All right," he says, "Colonel O'Neill is right. If you won't cooperate then you'll endanger our chance at the Stargate. I'd like to have you with me but if not, then we'll have to kill you." 

"You're gonna kill me?" 

"We can't leave you two around telling all our plans, can we?" 

"There's no reason for anyone to get hurt," Daniel says. "We're willing to help you find a place to live. Jack knows that we can help you." 

"We don't need your help," Jack says and I'm surprised by the conceit in his voice. We're just rats in a cage to these guys. 

Okay, I'm hoping Daniel forgives me for this. I don't mean it, at least, not all the way. I'm trying to stall I remind myself even if I do hope they do agree with my argument. 

"What do you need Fraser for? You need O'Neill and Daniel to get on the base...and to get to the, uh, Stargate thing, but what do you need us for? Why don't you just double up in O'Neill again and then find a new place for your buddy." 

"I like his mind," Fraser says. 

"Besides, it takes time to shrink up and move on. Time we don't have." 

"Why not?" Daniel asks. "What's the hurry?" 

"I've been here for awhile now, Danny. Jack is starting to want his body back." 

The mother of all cold chills snakes through me and I can't imagine what Daniel must be thinking. From the look on his face, I'd say he's terrified. 

"Look, switch to me. If you wait too long, you'll damage his mind permanently." 

"I don't think so," Jack says. "He's just getting pliable. This is the best part." 

"You don't have to do this," Daniel says. 

Jack ignores him. He says something to Fraser in that weird gibberish again and they nod at each other. 

They both produce some gadget that I don't recognize but it doesn't take much imagination to figure it's a weapon and we just ran out of time. Daniel and I shift backward like that's going to help. Then we both jump when my front door crashes in and off the hinges. There's a large, black man rushing in first. Behind him, I can just see a sliver of Major Carter. Fraser and Jack back up a couple of steps and then there's a rush of people into the apartment. There's a flash of light from the gadget that Jack is holding and that's it, brain overload hits and I go blessedly into the night. 

* * *

I don't think that much time has passed when I open my eyes again. I'm glad to find my hands are free but I'm still sitting near the wall. I look around to see Carter pulling Daniel to his feet. Fraser and Jack are sitting on the couch and it looks like they're handcuffed. There're a lot of people milling around and I guess they're military but they're not in uniforms. A small woman joins Carter and starts running her hands all over Daniel's skull, which looks a little strange but I'm thinking she's a doctor. Daniel doesn't look like he's enjoying all the fuss. 

"Major Carter," a deep voice says. I follow the sound to the man I had seen in the doorway. He's standing guard over Fraser and Jack and it's odd that he doesn't move or look away from them when he speaks. "Detective Kowalski has awakened." 

Carter and the other woman leave Daniel to come to me. 

"I'm Dr. Fraiser," the woman says. "How do you feel, Detective?" 

"Okay, I guess." 

"Would you like to try standing?" She asks. 

"I guess I better." 

She and Carter take me under the arms and pull me up. My leg isn't ready though so I stumble backward. It hurts enough to make me yell out as they both catch me. A couple men who were doing other things join them and take my weight. I feel like an idiot under all this attention. 

"Okay, let's get you lying down so I can take a look at you," the doctor says. 

"We're not sure about the dog," Carter says, nodding towards my room. 

"He's okay. He just wants out," I tell her. 

Carter opens the door and Dief bounds out. He sniffs her feet then runs around checking out everybody else. I notice he avoids Fraser and Jack though. He finally comes over to me and sits down. While everyone is waiting for him to get vicious or something, I just wait for them to put me down someplace. 

"In the bedroom, please," the doctor says. 

"Yes, ma'am," the two men answer and then they just move me like I'm a chair or something. Dief stays close by which helps some but I feel like an extra and I'm wondering about Fraser. 

"Sam," Daniel says just as I'm leaving the room. "Jack was starting to reject. We have to get the life form out now." 

"Forget it," Jack says. "I'm not gonna sit here and let you..." 

"Yes you will," the black guy says. 

I get deposited on my bed and the doctor tells me to get undressed. Dief jumps up and lies down next to me. 

"I'll be back after we give Colonel O'Neill and Constable Fraser the vaccine," she says. 

"You don't do anything to Fraser unless I'm with him." She gives me a look that says she doesn't usually take orders. 

"Detective Kowalski..." 

"It's not a vaccine. You're gonna zap the bug man but you're not doing it unless I'm with him. You got it? Bring him in here or I'll just get myself back out there but I'm not leaving him with a bunch of strangers for this." 

"I assure you, Detective, we'll take good care of him." 

"Fine," I say and push myself up, ignoring the pain that's shooting from ankle to hip. "I'll come out there." 

"I think we should do what he wants," Daniel says from the doorway. 

"Daniel, that may not be..." 

"He knows most of it, Janet. Security's not an issue." 

Carter stepped into the doorway beside Daniel. 

"It's all right, Janet. Teal'c's going to bring them both in here." 

"If you say so, Major," the doctor says. 

"I'll just keep my clothes on a while longer," I say. 

The doctor doesn't smile and it's obvious that she thinks Carter and Daniel are wrong. It must be a rank thing though because she doesn't argue any more. 

"How are you doing, Ray?" Daniel asks. 

"I don't know yet. How about you?" 

"Fine," he says before he goes back out the door, followed by Carter. 

It's only another moment before the two guys that moved me come in carrying chairs from my dining table. They set them down and then pull their side arms. Fraser comes in next with Jack right behind him. The black guy is next and he's holding a gun on them and then Carter joins in. She's armed too. The black guy motions for Fraser and Jack to sit down. Everyone's movements are precise, no one is slacking or distracted. 

"Can you get the dog to go into the other room?" Carter asks me. "I'm afraid he might get in the way," 

"He won't." 

"He won't feel protective towards Constable Fraser?" 

Okay, yes, he probably will. 

"Just get somebody to offer him a snack and then shut the door," I say. 

Carter goes out but when she comes back she has a couple of American cheese slices. She calls to Dief who uses his selective hearing to ignore her. I pet him to get his attention and look him in the face to tell him to go with Major Carter. Dief whines and puts his head in my lap. 

"Come on, she's got a snack for you. We'll be all right." 

He whines again but this time he jumps off the bed and follows her into the living room. When she comes back she's alone and she shuts the bedroom door behind her. "Teal'c, would you hold Colonel O'Neill?" the doctor asks. The black guy doesn't hesitate. He goes behind Jack and wraps his arms around him, holding him still and tilting his head to the side at the same time. 

The doctor approaches them carefully while Carter and the two men keep Fraser covered. She pulls a long, thick length of tubing out of her pocket. There's a glass tube with a wide, rounded end at the bottom of it and a slender lead at the top. Jack starts struggling and Daniel moves in closer. He's being careful to stay out of the doctor's way but he's trying to get as close as possible. 

"Keep him still," the doctor says. 

"That is being done," Teal'c says. 

"Look at me, Jack. Just watch me," Daniel says. 

I squeeze my hands into fists when the doctor plunges the tube into Jack's ear. Jack makes a squealing sound that sends goosebumps up my arms but Teal'c is keeping him still. The doctor pulls the syringe back and Jack jerks and squeals again. 

"Watch me, Jack. Keep your eyes on me," Daniel says but his voice is shaking. 

The doctor puts more pressure on the suction and the sound of air increases until there's a popping noise. A second later, there's an oblong...something inside the tube and she pulls the tube out of Jack's ear and slaps a seal over it. Jack slumps over in Teal'c's arms but Daniel is kneeling in front of him. Working together, they ease Jack on to the floor. 

I look over at Fraser. His eyes are huge with panic. He probably thinks they just killed his buddy. I get a sick feeling knowing they're about to stick that tube in his ear next. 

The doctor puts the container inside a square case, then puts that inside a larger metal case. She kneels down beside Jack with a stethoscope, maneuvering around Daniel so she can do her job. She checks Jack's heart and pulse and pupils and sits back. 

"Everything sounds okay," she says. 

"What about brain damage?" Carter asks, looking pale and shaky too. 

"We won't know until he wakes up," the doctor says. "There was no blood during the extraction and that's a good thing. Why don't we move the Colonel into the living room so he can rest?" 

"Hey, he can stay in here, use the bed," I say. 

"That's all right, Detective. I still need a place to examine you and we have the second extraction to take care of." 

Fraser makes a noise that sounds like fear. Carter turns her attention back to him. 

"Your companion hasn't been harmed," she says. "Once you've been extracted, we'll send both of you home." 

"We don't want to go home," Fraser says. 

"I don't care," Carter says. She's harder than I expected. All that blond petiteness made me underestimate her. 

Teal'c lifts Jack off the floor with little trouble and carries him out, cradling him like a child. Daniel follows close behind. He's not touching but I'll bet he wants to. 

Carter and the doctor exchange looks that mean something but I'm not sure what and then they look towards Fraser. Fraser is nervous. He is swallowing hard and squeezing his hands in his lap. His two guards are watching him like they expect him to bolt. I think he might too. 

The chance escapes him though when Teal'c comes back. This guy is big and intimidating as hell. Stupidly, I wonder why he's wearing a knit cap inside. Maybe that's why he seems so cranky. He's probably hot. 

It doesn't take long before he's got Fraser in the same head hold that he used on Jack O'Neill. Automatically I want him to stop. I don't want anybody touching Fraser like that so it's hard not to intervene. I don't though. I scoot off the bed without much finesse and then I take Fraser's hand in mine. It feels cold and he gives me a look that says he doesn't understand but I don't let go. In a minute or so, my Fraser will be back and I want him to know I'm here. 

"It's gonna be okay," I say. 

The doctor doesn't wait. She shoves that tube in his ear and starts the suction. Fraser starts making that awful squealing noise and he's fighting so instead of just holding his hand, I have to start helping to restrain him. He doesn't stop screaming for a long time and I can't stand that she's hurting him. I don't stop to think, I try to shove her away but it's not much of an attempt when the two guards grab my arms and throw me on the floor. I hear the doctor say something about a shot. I don't feel the prick of the needle but it's not long before everything gets gray around the edges. I keep thrashing around because Fraser is still screaming in that horrible high-pitched squeal then I sort of register the sound of a pop. The noise stops right away and then Carter's voice is telling the guards to let me go. She strokes my hair softly while she tells me to relax. It sounds like a good idea. 

* * *

"Ray...Ray."

I don't want to. 

* * *

No matter how much I might want to stay in the dark, my mind finally gives my body the go ahead to open my eyes. It's gray dark when I do but the shadows shape up into my bedroom. At first, I think it was all a dream because Dief is lying next to me and that just seems so normal, just the way it should be. I even feel Fraser close by but I figure that's just wishful thinking. 

"Ray. Are you awake?" 

It's Fraser. I scramble away to the other side of the bed as fast as I can. To be honest, it's damn slow. Somebody must've slipped me something because everything is just plain slow. 

"It's all right, Ray, you're safe." 

"Go 'way." 

"Let me just..." 

"Go." 

I can't face this. I want Fraser, not the sadistic bastard bug-man. 

Whatever they gave me must be fucking me up big time. I want to cry and I want to scream and Jesus, God, I want Fraser back. 

There's a sliver of light from the open door and then it's dark again. The monster has left. 

A moment later, the light comes back and there's a shadow coming at me. I start scrambling again, wondering if he's going to kill me this time. 

"It's Major Carter, Detective, everything is all right." 

"Did you see him before? It's not him. It looks like him and it sounds like him but it's not him." 

"I need you to calm down if you can. Everything is under control." 

"No...you don't get it...he was here just a second ago." 

"Okay, I need you to concentrate. I know you feel a little fuzzy right now. You watched us remove the life form. That was about six hours ago and he's coming along just fine now." 

"God...I'm never gonna wake up." 

"You're awake, Ray, the bad part is over. Your partner is in the living room waiting for the okay to come back." 

"You're not making any sense. What the hell did you give me anyway?" 

"I'm sorry. You were upset and you needed to sleep. Dr. Fraiser gave you something to help. She's gone back to the base with Teal'c and the rest of the team. They took the two life forms with them. She said you'd be fine with a little rest." 

I turn my arm and find a tiny white square taped there. "That's not buddies. It's not legal either." 

"You were agitated. We thought you might hurt yourself." 

I don't remember that. 

A vague memory surfaces though. "Her name's Fraser?" 

"It's Fraiser. Dr. Janet Fraiser." 

"And she's a real doctor not a book doctor like Daniel...and you." 

"Right. She's a medical doctor. She wants you to eat and get some sleep and take it easy on your leg." 

"I freaked out, huh?" 

"It's all right. Daniel said you've had a lot to process and watching us remove the life forms was pretty horrifying." 

Carter is studying me., gauging my sanity probably. She's waiting for me to react to Fraser being back but I'm not quite ready yet. 

"They were gonna kill us. Or kidnap us, I'm not sure they knew yet. They talked about wanting to take us someplace. Someplace new. Daniel tried to explain some of it but..." 

Carter perches on the edge of the bed. 

"I need you to try and listen to me, Detective. Can you do that?" 

I nod at her but my heart is picking up speed again. Is Fraser brain-damaged? Am I? 

"What happened today is top secret," she says. "You can't talk to anybody about it. Whatever you heard, whatever you think you heard or think you saw, is all classified. Talking about it to your mother will get you thrown in jail for treason. Do you understand?" 

I think about that for a second. Who'd believe me if I went public? And besides, treason might get me a trial or it might get me thrown in a dark hole and forgotten about. Even if I had a burning desire to go public, it wouldn't be worth it. And frankly, I don't have the desire. 

"Yeah, you're clear. Don't worry about it, Major, I got enough problems without everybody thinking I'm a whacko." 

She smiles and pats my arm. I guess she believes me but she's expecting something else. She wants me to ask questions or throw a fit or ask for Fraser. My head feels foggy though and I'm not sure what to say. Finally, I rub my hand over my eyes and flatten my hair. 

"Can you get him back to normal?" 

"Get who back to normal?" 

"Fraser." 

"He is normal. He's exhausted and he's worried about you. We wanted him to sleep but he wouldn't until you woke up." 

"But he's really okay? He's really him?" 

"He is. They both are," Daniel says from the doorway. He comes in and closes the door. "There's no obvious damage. We'd like to take him back to the base with us to run some tests but he seems good. He's just worried about you." 

"How about Jack?" 

"He's taking a little longer to recover but Dr. Fraiser thinks he'll be 100% too." 

"How do we know? Maybe they're still in there but they're hiding or something." 

All of a sudden, that sounds like the truth. That's why my door is shut. If I could see past that door, I'd see all these aliens buzzing around everybody's ears. The panic is creeping up but the drugs are keeping it from taking over. 

I push the blankets off me. Unfortunately I sit up too fast. I can hear Carter and Daniel telling me to calm down but there's a rushing sound in my head that's drowning them out. I'm scared enough to stand up but a second later I wish I hadn't. 

* * *

When I wake up again, the cotton in my head isn't as thick. I'm warm but not in a bad way. I feel safe like when I was a kid and my folks were close by. I reach out with my eyes still closed and feel Dief lying next to me again. His breath is soft and snuffly sounding. Feeling along beside him my hands find the soft flannel blanket that Fraser gave me for Christmas. I don't have to open my eyes to see the red and blue pattern. 

I know if I do crack the lids then I'm going to have to face another day with psycho-Fraser and the merry military so I stay closed up in my cocoon for a while longer. 

"Ray, are you awake?" 

Damn. You would think they'd give an injured man a break. Seems like that should be in the military handbook or something. Despite all the nice warm, there's still a steady throbbing in my hip and I'm not ready to move yet. 

"Ray, please, I can hear the change in your breathing." 

Oh, shit. Screw the leg and everything else. I scramble to the other side of the bed upending Dief and earning an irritated growl. 

I land on my feet, curse when my sore leg gives out and stumble into the far wall. It's dark outside and the only light is coming through the curtain of my bedroom window. I can just make out Fraser and he's standing with his hands up, palms facing out. I am extremely aware that I'm standing here in just my boxers. The air is cool around me and I shiver as I wrap my arms around myself. 

"You didn't kill them, did you?" 

"Kill who?" 

"Carter and company. Cuz if you did, Fraser, insanity is not going to be a good enough defense." 

"I didn't kill anyone, Ray, please try..." 

Right on cue, the bedroom door opens bringing Daniel, Carter and Jack O'Neill into the room. Daniel flips on the light switch. Blindly, I snatch my favorite blanket off the bed to cover up. Not an exhibitionist for men or women. Dief is baring his teeth to the lot of them. 

Carter and Daniel are talking at once. Daniel is telling me to calm down. Carter is saying something to me but I can't hear her in all the confusion. 

She takes a few steps forward, away from the group. I track her because I don't dare look at Fraser yet. 

"All right, enough," Jack says. Despite the fact that his voice is scratchy and soft, he quiets everyone except Dief who growls from deep inside. 

"Carter, say something," Jack says. She glances back at him before returning her attention to me. 

"Ray," she says slowly like she's calming a wild animal. "What's wrong?" 

"I'm dreaming, right?" 

"No," she says like she's humoring me. "You're awake and we're all here with you." 

Let it be true. Let it be true. Let it be true. 

I look at Fraser. He's looking right at me. 

Between the hope that he's okay and the fear that he's not I'm starting to get shaky again. All the bruises and scrapes are checking in too just in case I forgot that a car hit me. I want some aspirin and about three days to sleep but there's stuff I want more. 

"How do I know you're not gonna go back to being evil Mountie?" 

Fraser flinches but he doesn't look away. 

"Because I'm me." 

My voice isn't there all of a sudden when I see the real longing in Fraser's face. He's obviously in pain and I just want to let everything else go and hold him. 

"Sam, would you wait outside for a second?" Daniel asks. 

She looks at him, then at Jack. "Sir?" 

"Go ahead, Carter. Just for a minute." 

She nods and I'm surprised that she's such a good soldier. She didn't seem like the type to take orders but then I'd never seen her with a superior officer. 

Once she's gone, Daniel turns to Jack. He leans in and kisses him, long and nice. Nice enough that I'm almost jealous. Jack is surprised at first but then he kisses him back, hungrily but slowly like he's being careful or just gentle. When they part there's so much affection between them that it's almost painful to see. 

"If he wasn't my Jack again, would I do that?" Daniel asks. 

"I don't know. I don't know if you're still you." 

"Okay, I understand that. But we're all okay now, Ray. Do you remember the extraction?" 

It's there on the edge of my memory. The first thing that hits is the echo of the screaming. I almost slap my hands over my ears. I close my eyes instead, remembering it, replaying it. 

"Jesus," I say. 

"It's over, Ray," Daniel says but when I look at Jack, I don't think it's over for him. He's reliving the same thing that I am and it's haunting him. 

"Okay," I say. 

They don't say anything else. Jack motions at Daniel to leave and then he follows him out. 

Dief jumps off the bed with a whine. I can feel my chest tighten thinking that if Dief doesn't like Fraser then either we're wrong or he's been invaded too. But the wolf just circles around Fraser, whines again and then sits at the end of the bed. 

"Yes, I realize that," Fraser says looking at his lupine companion. Then he looks back at me. "Ray, are you...how are you...do you feel alright?" 

He's as terrified as I am. He's white too but his eyes are ringed in black. 

"Yeah, I'm okay." 

"You were struck by a car." 

"Yeah, well, getting tossed around the living room didn't help much either." 

His eyes go wide for a second and he slumps a little and I wish I hadn't said that. 

"If you're in any pain we should see a doctor." 

"I'm a little achy but mostly I'm good. And I guess I already saw a doctor." 

He comes closer to the bed and my first instinct is to back away. I fight that though. I'm backed as far as I'm going anyway and if this is the real Fraser, I don't want him to think I'm afraid of him. I don't want to feel afraid of him either. 

"I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am, Ray. I know that I've endangered you in the past, but I...this time I wasn't even...I couldn't..." 

"Dief likes you again." 

I can see him shift physically and mentally with my words. If he's really Fraser then he's all full up with regret and guilt and it's the only thing he's been focusing on. If he's really Fraser then I don't blame him for anything but I'm not ready to tell him yet just in case he's not. 

"Uh, yes, well, he sensed something was wrong but he didn't understand it." 

We just look at each other as if there're miles separating us. I want to reach out to him so badly. To touch him again, to breathe him in and feel his chest pressing against my own, full of life and breath. It's all I wanted when he was gone and all I wanted when I thought I had him back. It'd be so easy to surrender to that. 

But like a switch turning on I can feel the panic start down deep in my stomach. My chest feels tight and it's hard to breathe. My legs and arms start twitching on their own as if they want to run with or without me. I think the hangover from the drugs is all that keeps me from a full-blown, throw me down panic attack. Still, it's a bad one and my vision starts to gray. 

I'm vaguely aware that Fraser's come closer. He wraps himself around me like a Mountie sized blanket and just holds on. 

Slowly my breathing settles some and I can get a decent amount of air in my lungs. My heart is still beating pretty furiously but if I squeeze my hands closed, the shaking isn't as bad. Fraser pushes me back a few inches so he can see my face. 

"Are you all right?" 

"I guess so if you don't count getting hit by a car and beat up by aliens." Not to mention assaulted by somebody who looks like my lover. 

"I've never known you to have panic attacks." 

"Before last week, I didn't. Since then, a couple." 

"I'm so sorry." 

"It doesn't sound like it was your fault." 

He nudges a little to get me to lie down then he covers me up tight with the blanket. 

"It's me, Ray," he says. "The one you tease with your Fred Flintstone demands for dinner, the one that went on an adventure and worried over you, but ended up breaking an ankle and cutting short the trip. I'm the one that insists we have green vegetables but won't eat a brussel sprout and the one that looks the other way when you feed Diefenbaker snacks. I'm the same person who held you all night when your mother passed away. I'm me, Ray and I love you." 

It takes a second before I can clear my throat to talk. It's so hard not to just launch myself around him. 

"I want to believe you. You don't know how much." 

"Then look at me. See me. Look in my eyes and tell me I'm not yours." 

"I know you are. I know you're you, Fraser, but...there's stuff that happened with the other one. The last few days you were like you one second and like a...a...I don't know what, the next. I thought I was going crazy and then I thought you were and then I'd go back to wondering about me." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't say that. Do not say that to me. Sorry isn't what I want to hear from you. I want to hear that it's over. That you're not gonna change into a monster in a blink. Do you know what happened while the bug-man was in your head? Were you aware at all?" 

"No, I...I don't remember anything past leaving the store. There're vague flashes of things but I..." 

He has this helpless look on his face. His eyes are too bright. And he's wrapped his arms around himself. 

"If you can't tell the difference between the real me and what you call a monster, I don't know how to convince you." He says finally. 

I feel weak all of a sudden, dizzy and scared. What if we can't find the way back? 

Fraser just looks at me for a second before he drags me in, pulling me next to his body again, wrapping his arms tight around me. 

"We're stronger than this," I say. 

"I know we are. It's me, Ray, can't you feel it?" 

The thaw is slow while my body remembers faster than my mind. I feel myself giving in and my arms going tighter around him while the rest of me starts melting. His breath is good and familiar with a hint of tea and toothpaste. His skin smells like soap and feels dry under my fingers. His hair is soft, just a little greasy. He's holding me just tight enough and my whole self is starting to take notice. 

The surrender comes with a sigh. I need this. I need him. It doesn't take long before I go back to sleep with the sound of Fraser's heart against my ear. 

* * *

When morning comes, I find us still wrapped around each other. But Fraser is awake. He looks better, not so pale, not so tired. He's rubbing my arm lightly. I lean up to kiss him. 

His mouth is warm against mine. Soft but hungry too like we've been apart. And I realize all of a sudden that we have been. This thing that happened to him, it put a stranger in his place, a stranger that has nothing to do with the two of us. I take him in harder, my tongue working overtime to reconnect us, my fingers and hands and arms ruthlessly tearing apart the barrier. He's pushing just as hard, re-igniting everything that brought us this far and lives deep in both of us. His hands are scrabbling at my boxers while mine are trying to work their way under his shirt. He's all tucked in and neat, of course so it's taking some effort while all he has is a thin piece of cotton to work around. 

A knock on the door freezes us both and I curse loudly hoping the person on the other side can take a hint. 

"Detective Vecchio is here," Daniel calls through the door. 

Oh, crap. 

Fraser pulls away from me looking frustrated and kind of shocked. I stay leaning on him for the support as much as for the relief of having him back. 

"What are we gonna tell him?" I ask. 

"Colonel O'Neill is in charge. Perhaps we should leave it to him." 

"How's he doing?" 

"He's recovering. I think it's difficult for him to know that he was out of control of himself. He's distressed that he harmed Dr. Jackson." 

"How are you doing?" 

"I don't remember anything and that worries me. I would rather die than have hurt you, Ray." 

I find his hands and squeeze them. "I love you. Nothing that happened in the last few days can touch that." 

His body tightens up because he knows now that bad stuff happened. I kiss his hands. There's another knock on the door. 

"We better go watch the show," I say. "Don't worry, Fraser." 

"We'll be out in a moment," he calls out. 

He kisses me soft and quick and stands up. 

"I'll go first," he says before he leaves me alone. 

That's when I remember that I'm still one massive bruise. The pain catches up with me fast now that the main thing worrying me is Vecchio. I work up some momentum and stand up and when I do my leg just explodes in pain. The shot they gave me yesterday has worn off with a vengeance. It's left me dry too. My lips are sticking to my teeth. Left like that much longer, I figure Fraser will just have to sweep me up with a dustpan. 

I manage to get on my feet but it's barely and I'm not at all steady. My whole body is screaming its disagreement with me. The room feels warm but with the number of people in the living room, I don't want to wander around in my underwear so I limp over to the dresser and pull out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Skimming out of my boxers makes me decide that going commando will be a lot better than trying to put on something extra. 

Dief whines at me. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy but I ignore him and manage to get the shirt over my head before I head back to use the bed for support while I get the jeans on. That just hurts. I chew myself out all while I'm dressing, leaning hard on the leg that didn't get bashed because the other one is not cooperating. The whole process takes too long so by the time I'm dressed I'm shaking with tired and trying to catch my breath. 

Timing is everything. That's when Fraser peeks in at me. Even if I'm pale, and I think I am, I got nothing on him. He turns an extra shade of gray that makes me worry about how bad I really do look. 

He's on me a second later, trying to get me to lean on him, trying to get me back to bed until I have to bat at his hands to get him to ease up. His expression freezes to bland as he steps away from me. I tumble a step before I catch my balance against the bed because bravado aside, my body knows where to lean when Fraser is close. 

"I'm not pushing you away," I tell him. 

"I was only attempting to help. You're obviously in pain." 

I hate it when he starts sounding all official. He does it automatically to protect himself when he's not sure what to do or how bad he might get hurt. It's the Fraser equivalent to running scared and it pisses me off and makes me feel rotten for doing that to him at the same time. 

"Fraser, come here." 

He hesitates for a fraction of a second before he takes the three steps to get to me. He still doesn't touch me though. I take the initiative and wrap my arms around his waist with a groan of discomfort from my raging bruises. He hugs me but not too tight with his face snuggling into my neck sending warm breath under my collar. 

"I know it's you," I whisper to him. "I trust you." He hugs me tighter, which hurts but I'm careful to keep that to myself. He's trembling against me so there's no way I want him to let go. 

It takes a second before I can tell that he's talking but the words are so soft it takes another second to understand them. Finally I realize he's saying he's sorry over and over like it's his new pledge. I keep holding him trying to tell him with my body and my words that it's not his fault, that we both got hurt, that we're okay. 

Finally a knock on the door interrupts us. 

"Yeah, in a minute," I call out. 

Fraser gets himself together and so do I. We're ready, I think, to face the masses. 

* * *

We go into the living room where Vecchio is standing with his arms folded looking around at Jack, Carter and Daniel. 

"Morning, all," I say. 

"Has someone made fresh coffee?" Fraser asks and heads towards the kitchen after I'm safely deposited on the couch. 

"So, you guys went to college together?" Vecchio asks me skeptically. 

Thank you for the lead in, Vecchio. 

"Yeah," I answer. "Well, I dropped out but we had some classes together the first year." 

"We thought a get together would be fun," Carter says as she sits down beside me with an innocent grin. 

"And who did graduate?" Vecchio asks. 

"I did," Daniel says quickly. "I'm an archeologist." 

"I graduated," Carter says. 

"Guilty," Jack says. 

Vecchio is looking around at the sleeping bag bundles and pillows and various overnight supplies with a scowl. He can't imagine why my old college buddies would have slept here rather than at a hotel. I'm not volunteering an answer to that. 

"Daniel made the arrangements for our tour, Ray. But we have to leave in about half an hour," Carter says. 

"I guess I better get showered then." 

If Vecchio is wondering about the hygiene of all my guests, he doesn't ask. It would be rude to question why everyone isn't taking a shower. But, let's face it, I have one bathroom and it's a direct lead from the bedroom. I doubt the whole military contingent was going to traipse through while I was sleeping. 

"You up to taking a tour?" Vecchio asks while I struggle back to my feet. 

"What's one little car accident when you got friends in town?" 

"From the looks of things, it wasn't little." 

"Ray is very resilient, Ray," Fraser says as he hands a fresh cup of coffee to Vecchio. 

"I'm quite sure we'll go slowly today." 

"Count on it," Jack says. 

Fraser puts his hand under my arm and helps me. He tells me we can take the coffee with us but I need to shower. He excuses us and then we limp/walk back into the bedroom and into the bathroom. I wish I could take Fraser into the shower with me but given the number of people in the living room, I can't ask him. Even if they all know about us, there is such a thing is propriety. 

He gives me a look that says he agrees with what I'm thinking then just opens up the medicine cabinet to get the Advil out. He shakes two of them into my hand and then fills a little Dixie cup with water so I can wash them down. That Dixie dispenser is something I bought after Stella left. She thought they were cheesy but my mom had one and I always liked it. It's just convenient having those little disposable cups around. 

Fraser kisses me once, real gentle and sweet before he leaves me alone to get clean. I don't realize it until he's gone but we're so in sync we didn't have to say a word in the last ten minutes. 

The hot water feels good and goes a long way to loosening me up. I still feel like crap, but at least the Advil is kicking in. I force myself to make the shower quick, well as quick as your grandma might be. 

I manage to get out, get dressed and back into the living room before any of the military start rapping on the door that it's oh eight thirty or something. 

I'm not too happy to see that Vecchio hasn't left. He's sitting on the arm of a chair instead of in it, still nursing his coffee. It's more than obvious that he doesn't believe the "friends from college" story but he can't prove anything so I'm not worried. I feel some guilt about not telling him the truth after he tried to help me but on the other hand, he was completely wrong so maybe I don't feel that guilty. 

Jack jumps up as soon as he sees me. I notice that he's looking better too. 

"All right, we ready to go?" 

He's too anxious to go tour a museum and I know he meant that last bit as an order to his subordinates. I look over at Daniel who's watching Jack with an amused smirk. He catches me looking and we share a smile over it. 

Carter is all military though. She gets up, grabs her gear and heads towards the door. She knows an order when she hears it. 

Vecchio stands up too. He takes his cup into the kitchen where I hear water running then both he and Fraser come back out. 

"Well, that's my cue, I guess," Vecchio says. "You sure you're all right, Kowalski? A couple nights ago you were passed out on my front lawn." 

"Hey, I never passed out." 

It's too late and I know it. Fraser turns into my mom and the military contingent gears up for the upcoming emergency. 

"It was nothing," I try to reassure them. 

"What's he talking about, Ray?" Fraser asks. 

"He decided to starve himself," Vecchio fills in, helpfully. "After you clocked him, he came over to my house." 

Fraser turns another shade of white. 

"It's okay, Fraser, we're all past that." 

"Can we sort this out in the car?" Jack asks. "We're on a tight schedule here." 

"Uh, yeah," Daniel says more carefully. "We, uh, we can hash out the details on the way. And Ray said it's all been settled anyway so..." 

"Right," Carter agrees. She looks like she's trying to think of something else to say, then she just repeats herself. "Right." 

Vecchio just gives us all an "uh huh" look before he comes over to me and Fraser. 

"You know I don't believe any of this, right?" He asks. 

"What's not to believe?" I answer. 

"We're all right now, Ray." Fraser is much nicer than I am. "While I appreciate your concern, there's no cause for it." 

"If you're gonna have college buddies, they ought to be your age," Vecchio says. I should have thought of that. Carter and Daniel are probably five years younger than me, maybe more and O'Neill is at least ten years older. 

"Ever hear of community college, Vecchio? Everybody goes there." 

He gives me a look that tells me he knows I'm lying but he's not going to do anything about it. Fraser doesn't change expression at all. 

"Okay, I'll check in with you later. I'm not leaving town for a couple of days," Vecchio says before he says a more public good-bye to my guests and goes out the door. 

We all give a sigh of relief when he goes. I don't know why I care if he finds out the truth. He may be an ass but he's honest and he wouldn't spread it around if he knew there were aliens among us. And really, I can't believe I'm even thinking like that. 

"Even I give Vecchio more credit than believing that lame ass story," I say. 

Jack ignores me. 

"So, how'd you know to bust in here?" I ask Carter. "And who's the guy in the ski cap?" 

"When six o'clock came around and your car was still parked outside but neither you nor Daniel had come out, I thought there might be trouble. I phoned the Consulate and they said that Constable Fraser and his guest had left several hours earlier. I was hoping that his guest might be Colonel O'Neill. As for the man in the cap, he's the fourth member of our team. He's escorting the life forms back to the base with Dr. Fraiser." 

"What's a Stargate?" I ask. All eyes turn to Jack. 

"Never heard of it," he says. I notice Daniel is busily keeping a blank expression. 

"You gotta love national security. So, why'd you two follow me around instead of just asking? How'd you connect Jack to Fraser anyway?" 

"We had a trace on Jack's truck," Daniel says. "We almost caught him a couple of times before he reached here but Jack is well trained and he knew how to keep ahead of us. Anyway, we traced him to Chicago and then we started checking into missing persons files because after reviewing Jack's medical tests and talking with one of our allies, we'd learned that this life form was actually two life forms and would likely take a second person. We whittled through the cases by date and eventually we narrowed the possibilities." 

"Jack's medical tests?" 

"We're required to have frequent physicals," Carter says with just enough urgency that I know they don't want any more questions about it. "When Daniel read the report on Constable Fraser," she continues. "He was convinced that Fraser was the one." 

"Fraser fit," Daniel says. "He wasn't likely to have disappeared on his own given his profession and position with the Consulate. There was no evidence of foul play and no witnesses or leads to follow. He had disappeared in the truest sense and that made him the most likely candidate." 

"So, why didn't you approach me sooner?" 

"We were still checking your background and the Constable's," Carter says. "We were both surprised to see you at the diner on that second day. We had just stopped to have lunch and you showed up again." 

"Lucky for me, I guess. The alien guys could've had me gone before you ever got around to asking the questions." 

"We needed to be cautious for a number of reasons," Carter says. 

"Like maybe bug-man had ditched O'Neill for me, right?" 

"Partly, yes," she agrees. 

Remembering the last few days hits me kind of suddenly and I really wish they'd come to me sooner. I understand why they didn't but it doesn't make it any easier. 

"And you don't remember anything either?" I ask Jack. 

His first expression is kind of lost but he changes right away. 

"I don't remember anything after we returned to the base." 

"Wow. That's a lot of time to go without knowing what you were doing." 

Jack looks away from me and Daniel frowns. He puts his hand on Jack's shoulder. It looks intimate to me but I figure people only see what they want to see. 

"We traced your whole trip, Jack. You didn't do anything wrong." 

"Except wallop you and assault him." 

"It doesn't matter. No one is hurt and we all know you weren't yourself." 

I think Jack wants to talk more but he's obviously aware of his audience so he stands up instead. 

"Okay, are we ready, people? We have a plane to catch," he says. 

Daniel and Carter jump to like they're used to his orders and Fraser responds just like them. 

"I've already packed a few things for us and I took the liberty of phoning Lieutenant Welsh," Fraser says. "He knows you won't be back to work until the day after tomorrow." 

"What'd you tell him?" 

"That you were sore from the vehicle accident." 

That's Fraser, a lie without really lying. I'm sore but that's not why I'm missing work. 

There's nothing much to say after that. We put our things together, lock up the apartment and find a van waiting for us downstairs. There's a young Airman driving and he salutes smartly before he loads our bags for us. 

From there we make the three-hour drive to the Scott Air Force Base. Both Fraser and Jack O'Neill fall asleep en route. Fraser is sitting beside me and he lets his head rest against my shoulder while his lax hand stays entwined with mine. Daniel is sitting beside Jack. Jack is leaning towards him but just their shoulders are touching and Daniel is keeping his hands to himself. 

It must be hard keeping their secret in the military. Fraser and I choose to stay private but we don't make it an issue. It's a difference that I'm glad for. 

I look out the window at the passing landscape and feel the tension I've been carrying disappear. We'll go to Colorado to be safe but I already know that my Fraser is here. He made it back home to me. 

I know I have to tell him about the stuff that went on while he was gone. I owe him the truth and it'd be good to get it out in the open. But for now, we're together and that's as close to home as I need to be. 

* * *

End Finding The Way Home by Elizabeth Mc:

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